[therapy]
WIFE: he favors our son over our daughter
ME: No way, I love whatsherface just as much as I love Johnny
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The other day I walked past a neighbor’s house and the parrot on their porch whistled at me.
If I were a therapist, I would prescribe this to everyone with depression, every day, forever.
BRB gonna walk past my neighbor’s house
I just said “Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary” to the mirror hoping that I’d have someone new to talk to
*survives trip to grocery store
*checks in as “safe” on Facebook
bartender: what’s wrong with you
best man: they kicked me out because i dropped the mike after the wedding toast
bartender: well that’s excessive-
best man: mike is the groom
If you’re ever intimidated by someone just imagine them opening a capri sun
My biology teacher asked what the function of carbohydrates were, but apparently “filling the deep well of sadness inside of me” was incorrect.
As we were driving passed a prison on vacation my 12 year old nephew lamented, “aww, I’ve never gotten to see the inside of a real jail.” I deadpanned, “It’ll happen, Sean, just give it a few years.” Y’all, my 7 year old erupted in laughter and explained the insult & I’m just 😭
Been collecting single highway shoes for years but not professionally.
My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.
i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE
(gathered around the campfire, 1876)
Me: This meeting could have been a homing pigeon
I never picked my nose. I was born with it.
Me: I’m gluten free and lactose intolerant
Them: so what do you eat?
Me: mostly cheese.
Hubs: Columbus discovered America not asking for directions so why do I.
Me: He set out for India and went the wrong way.
Hubs: Oh.
Me: Yep.
I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.
It is NOT acceptable to lift up the back of a woman’s shirt to look at her lower back tattoo, even if you’re at Walmart… I know that now
Husband: Don’t the kids have swimming tonight at 6?
Me: It’s at 7.
H: Oh, I was close.
Me: Yeah, the season ended 3 weeks ago.
*finally gets comfortable with you*
*starts whispering in your ear*
“oooo baby I can recite all my phobias in alpha order”
Netflix plants your dna at various crime scenes while you are asleep.
I went for a run today. Of course it was a beer run, but I was sweating.
Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*
I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”
WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?
ME: [current world hula champion] You can try
“tell me doc, is it bad news?”
“you’ve got piles”
…
“piles of health that is! LOL”
…
“except in your legs. gonna have to amputate those”
OMG MOM SHUT UP IM TRYING TO SUMMON THE DARK LORD TO PLAY SCRABBLE YES I WANT A HAM OMELETTE
Dad: People overcome adversity all the time. Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?
Me: *never blinks again*
You know you’re sick when your girlfriend asks if you’re feeling okay instead of the usual eye roll after spitting up a lung.
My boys are gamers and I’m single
It’s like a race to see who can use the most batteries
*tapping DJ on the shoulder* YOU NEVER SAID WHAT TO DO WITH OUR HANDS IF WE DO CARE