@kpcuk

There are 10 types of people in the world – those who know binary and those who other people talk to in the bar 🙂

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@SentenceReduced

Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?

@Mikecanrant

Make sure that nobody ever invades your personal space by constantly hula hooping wherever you go.

@iamspacegirl

Studies show that you were, like, way too good for him.

‘Totally too good for him’ says one super supportive scientist.

@dorsalstream

DISCIPLES: Why did it take you 3 days to come back from the dead?

JESUS: [remembering all the times he hit snooze] All the praying and stuff.

@wife_housy

Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.

@papasuncle

Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you

@MafiaJoker78

I just want to take you out…

With an AK-47…

& you thought on a date…hahaha.

@joeyfullystated

Stranger man at the beach asked me, “Y’all got a boat?” I said we have three, but they’re old Fisher-Price models.
It took him a moment.

@ObscureGent

[Last day in prison]

*Walks up to the biggest guy*

Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.