Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?
There are 10 types of people in the world – those who know binary and those who other people talk to in the bar 🙂
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Make sure that nobody ever invades your personal space by constantly hula hooping wherever you go.
Studies show that you were, like, way too good for him.
‘Totally too good for him’ says one super supportive scientist.
DISCIPLES: Why did it take you 3 days to come back from the dead?
JESUS: [remembering all the times he hit snooze] All the praying and stuff.
Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.
Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you
I just want to take you out…
With an AK-47…
& you thought on a date…hahaha.
Stranger man at the beach asked me, “Y’all got a boat?” I said we have three, but they’re old Fisher-Price models.
It took him a moment.
[Last day in prison]
*Walks up to the biggest guy*
Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.
*chasing after a rooster* give me your cool hat