@KardashianReact

there are 1,013,913 english words but I never could string together any of them to accurately explain how much I want to hit u with a chair

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@SortaBad

I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.

@ihateitmunky

Coffee dates are my favorite because you can just pour it on yourself as an excuse to leave

@GrantTanaka

My wife is gone for the next 3 days, so if any ladies out there want to come over & yell at me to take out the garbage & not have sex, hmu

@rebrafsim

Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife

Me: why? “you” has literally none of those sounds

My bride: I changed my mind I want a divorce

@Mom_Overboard

So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet

@Amusitr0n

Alien Archeologist: this human was buried covered in chicken bones, we theorize he believed in a poultry afterlife.

Me: (25,000 years earlier, climbing into a KFC dumpster in the dead of night)

@reallifemommy3

My kid found my ice cream stash and now I have to eat it all tonight so I don’t have to share it tomorrow – parenting is tough and not for everyone

@Moldy_Jellybean

Just when I manage to convince myself that I am a superior and more intelligent being, I walk into a door.

@lovemydogduck

My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???