The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn’t the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they’re hatching a dastardly plan.
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Hubs: How mean of my wife to teach the kid to hide my stuff at exact place it is supposed to be
me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen
wife: I have some in my purse
me: naaaaahhhh
Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.
I’m not sure what my wife thinks I do in the bathroom, but I appreciate all her support
I asked my husband if he ever thought about what his life would’ve been like had he married his previous girlfriend instead of me.
Then we laughed and laughed at the absolute impossibility of him answering that question correctly.
*Dressing up like a School Lice Outbreak Notice for Halloween*
Technically lava can kill coronavirus, but there’s a good reason why no-one is using it in the fight against the ongoing pandemic: nothing else would survive the encounter with molten rock either.
You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?
Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy
When someone tells me that no parenting technique works for every child, I remind them of the 7 Cs: Connection, Compassion, Communication, Chocolate, sCreen time, and Covering your ear holes with Cotton balls.
Hairless cats look like the devil screwed up a possession.
I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.
[milking a cow]
Cow: ooh, harder, daddy, harder
Farmer: what?
Cow: I mean – moo
ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies
GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes
ME: Put Ratatouille on
Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.
I’ve failed the “I am not a robot” captchas so often the robots have started including me in their World Domination chat rooms and bake sales.
(meeting somebody for the first time and panicking)
Excited for Pete Davidson to host SNL and play some of his iconic characters including Pete Davidson and Pete Davidson.
me when the borders lift
[the clock strikes half past two]
dentist: my time has come
If you work for UPS or FedEx, you speak Parceltongue.
At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist
Tell the colonel to bring it
Watching the Olympics.
Me: HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AMAZING! GOLD MEDAL!
Announcer: Ohhh! Not a good performance, those scores will not be pretty.
What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”
🦝🔥🦝🔥
9yo son: The difference between moms and dads is that when you say “I’m hungry,” moms say “go eat something” and dads say “hi, Hungry, I’m dad.”
Just because you’ve never met a time traveler doesn’t mean there aren’t any. Those idiots probably all got eaten by dinosaurs
God bless the hundreds of people doomsday prepping at Costco right now and still eating the little food samples sitting out for everyone to touch #coronavirus
ME: bartender. another.
BARTENDER: but you just-
ME: *slams fist on bar* ANOTHER
[bartender reluctantly hands me another moist towelette]