there are 1,013,913 english words but I never could string together any of them to accurately explain how much I want to hit u with a chair

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I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.


Coffee dates are my favorite because you can just pour it on yourself as an excuse to leave


My wife is gone for the next 3 days, so if any ladies out there want to come over & yell at me to take out the garbage & not have sex, hmu


Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife

Me: why? “you” has literally none of those sounds

My bride: I changed my mind I want a divorce


So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet


Alien Archeologist: this human was buried covered in chicken bones, we theorize he believed in a poultry afterlife.

Me: (25,000 years earlier, climbing into a KFC dumpster in the dead of night)


My kid found my ice cream stash and now I have to eat it all tonight so I don’t have to share it tomorrow – parenting is tough and not for everyone


Just when I manage to convince myself that I am a superior and more intelligent being, I walk into a door.


My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???