Me: spreads bacon grease on my toast
Also me: how did I gain weight this week?
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At my interview
Him – what do you make at your current job?
Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments
CLASSIC ROCK DJ: What should I play?
ANGEL ON HIS SHOULDER: Wow, so many options! Decades of music and thousands of bands to choose from!
DEVIL ON HIS SHOULDER: What about the same 14 songs over and over again?
There is a trend of babies being named after characters in “Frozen”.
“That’s Stupid” says a 24 year old named Ariel.
Mornin
I hate it when my kid beats me in an argument, like this morning when I told her Oreos aren’t breakfast food and she countered with, “of course not, they’re the snack before breakfast”
me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao
executioner: just sit in the chair
I’ve been nominated Vice President of the PTA.
It’s only a matter of time before my political sex scandal.
7: “By the year 2057 the oceans will be nothing but trash.”
Me: “Wow, I had no idea. Pretty smart, bud.”
Wife: “You know so many important facts, sweetie.”
*silence*
*3 looks at each of us*3: “Did you know there’s also pink lemonade?”
I call bullshit, airport baby changing station! I wanted an Asian baby but I’m stuck with the white kid I flew in with.
[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit
I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.
Real life dad college courses
Garage law
Power nap philosophy
Nosy neighbor studies
Barbecue physics
Zipper theory of merging traffic
Thermostat dynamics
[in the bedroom]
Husband: Close your eyes. I’m going to do something you’re really going to enjoy.
Me: Okay.
H: *takes the kids and leaves for the day*
SON: *first word* momma.
MOM: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
ME: *distracted by the faint song of an ice cream truck*
He never comes down our street.
As a kid I was forced to deal with the feelings when my dad went to the store for cigarettes and came back every time.
Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!
What a website
Spiders can live in my house until they get big enough where I feel compelled to find them before I fall asleep.
Now, everyone come help me find Carl.
VERY ANNOYED. My enemy keeps playing Hulk Hogan’s theme song b4 I enter rooms. People then expect Hulk Hogan & are disappointed when it’s me
Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.
I miss dating
The excitement of meeting someone new, that feeling of butterflies when you see if you can climb out their bathroom window…
My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”
Interviewer: and finally, why do you want to become a police officer.
Me: [thinking of all the awesome parties i’ll finally get called to] help the community obviously
In Heaven
Me: I can’t believe how much stuff the Bible got wrong
Gid: You idiots couldn’t even get my Giddamn name right
Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
Stop saying “you can’t make this stuff up“. You can make anything up. Watch this: a breakdancing beaver wearing a top hat. A peanut butter and thumbtack sandwich. A baby doing calculus. It’s easy.
Waiter: What kind of mustard, sir?
Me: French please
Garçon: Pardon, quelle sorte de moutarde, monsieur?
Todays yoga pose is Downward Spiral.
When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.
I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.