There are 2 kinds of parents
“Stop climbing on the countertops! Get down! You’re going to fall and hurt yourself. DON’T JUMP!”
and
“Climb over and get Momma those cookies, while you’re up there!”
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What if we made sidewalks into trampolines? Fun and springy to walk on, and if someone looks at you wrong you can always bounce them into tomorrow.
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.
it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due
You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.
when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom
Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.
My family is driving me more nuts than usual. If you find me wandering the streets in a daze, please don’t return me home.
Call me old fashioned, but I’m dying of smallpox.
Me: *needs to renew my vehicle registration*
DMV: Yes, we will need your license, registration, proof of insurance, passport, paper straw wrapper, VHS copy of The Sixth Sense, Princess Dianna Beanie Baby and for you to hit the high note in “I Will Always Love You.”
The best way to avoid being left with the bill when dining out with friends is by not having any friends.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.
*dents another car while parking*
*leaves note under windshield wiper*
“Material possessions are ephemeral and evanescent. Move on. I know I have.”
Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.
Me: *changes channel* *changes channel*
Pet hermit crab: no wait go back
Announcer: welcome to house hunters
My 7 yr. old thought it would be really funny to hold up a sign in the back window of the car that said “HELP ME!”. It was not.
WATER POLO INSTRUCTOR: “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”
ME: [Adjusting the mask & snorkel on my horse] “Of course I do.”
Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.
Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!
Burned my finger on hot cheese, then immediately burned my mouth with the same hot cheese, if you’re looking for someone with a lizard brain
If I could travel back in time to before the pandemic to give myself one bit of advice, it would be to steal more stationary from work. Much more.
Oh you want to roll up next to me with your bass thumping some gangsta rap so my whole car shakes?
That’s cool, hold on. Two can play this game.
*Turns up Baby Shark to max volume*
Whenever I’m feeling down on a Sunday night, I unblock my mom on Facebook as a reminder that shit could be worse.
The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.
Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days
Grim Reaper: You know why I’m here.
Me: Heavy drinking? Unhealthy diet? Texting and driving?
GR: You should’ve forwarded that chain email.
Interview
Bishop: Do you have any job-related questions?
Vicar: No
Bishop: What about the other Bible chapters?
My son is more polite to an Alexa speaker than his own family
Apparently, all it takes is knowing every dinosaur fact in the universe