There are 2 kinds of parents
“Stop climbing on the countertops! Get down! You’re going to fall and hurt yourself. DON’T JUMP!”
and
“Climb over and get Momma those cookies, while you’re up there!”
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My 9 year old went to bed annoyed with me because he said there’s a glacier in Venezuela and I laughed, said ok buddy are there polar bears too do they have a white Christmas get some sleep.
Just so you know, the glacier’s name is Humboldt.
What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?
Donner? Party of 87? Your table is ready.
BOSS: your productivity has been low
ME: it’s because my favorite employee is leaving the office in a week
BOSS: who?
ME: me
Not to brag but both my kids are from the same dad
funny how dumbass pet animals will eat the same thing every day without realizing that Subway® offers over 19 different ways to Eat Fresh™
Disney say they’re going to make Mickey Mouse’s hands smaller for “realism”.
Well, not on my watch.
Academia sounds like a disease. But it’s actually much worse.
Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in
Step1) Buy 100 cans of tuna
Step2) Drain the cans into a bucket
Step3) Soak ur cloths in the tuna water
Step4) Go outside & get all the cats
As I sit here watching my 9y/o throw a tantrum because his homework is too hard I wonder where YouTube went wrong in raising my children.
Friend: Can you give me a ride?
Me: I’ll give your MOM a ride!
[Later]
Me: So Mrs. Tromlhorn, anywhere else besides the dentist?
I’m so inactive, my Fitbit sent my family a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card.
Priest: look son, I think you should kick the habit
Me: ok
*nun screams*
“Bear with me”
-A Russian bear trainer
I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.
BOSS: *rubbing bridge of her nose* Why were you late again?
ME: Well it’s High Five Wednesday, and I passed an aquarium full of Octopuses
Pete: I’m Pete
Peter: I’m Peter
Me, competitive: I’m Petest
The average person swallows 8 cats per year in their sleep.
It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it
I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.
Then I saw her arguing with him about money.
Now I see Santa drinking by himself.
Normalize asking jobs for references right back. Like I’m gonna need to talk to three current employees, please.
*purposely chooses network with most dropped calls*
The rest of the world: It’s so hot I cooked an egg on the sidewalk!
Canadians: It’s so hot I had to put the margarine in the fridge!
A horror movie, but it’s just me afraid to go into the kitchen after the kids made cookies by themselves for the first time
date: so wat do u wana do next
me: why dont we slip into somthing more…convertible
[climbs into ferrari]
date: omg wow is this ur car
me: no
Parenting Tip:
Replace the word “nightmare” with “adventure”.
“This common core homework is an adventure for us both!”
“Grandma made us asparagus quiche so we can try an adventure meal!”
“Your endless harmonica practicing will haunt my deepest adventures.”
a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?
*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*
~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé
If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.