Making jokes on Twitter is a lot like making jokes in real life. Except without the frightened faces of strangers on buses
You Might Also Like
It’s super offensive when they move on before you did.
Day 1 of diet:
forgot I was on a diet and had a milkshake and fried chicken. Will try again tomorrow.
If you are attracted to both men and women with muscular arms, you’re bicepsual.
i’m a 44 y/o man that can’t pretend anymore wtf is a timothee chalamet
[my 1st day as spelling bee host]
your word is policy
“can you use it in a sentence”
um i think hes an undercover cop, he looks a bit policy
They left us in the waiting room so long at the orthodontist this morning my son formulated a plan for what he would do there in case of earthquakes, tornadoes, hurricanes, fire, kidnappers and zombies
Luckily you can’t be arrested for soliciting a donut.
ok this is my dumbest yet
MoviePass 6 months ago: See as many movies as you want! Go crazy! Watch 3 at once!
MoviePass now: you can watch half a movie once every lunar year. You have to clean the theater afterward. If you don’t get the ticket stub tattooed on your face we’ll send the FBI to your house.
Sorry I’m late to the zoom meeting, my toddler insisted I diaper her unicorn and the tail kept getting in the way
I think the worst thing I would wish on an enemy is that their closet rod is too heavy and crashes off the wall in the middle of the night
[Club]
Him: You want to dance?
Her: *Giggling* Ok
Him: *Scowling* Well go on then
the annoying thing about the top secret documents is that now we’re all talking about them and i’m just like, omg what do they say???? and i keep forgetting we’re not allowed to know and that’s the whole point. but like, just tell me!!!! i won’t tell i swear
Dead
Alive
Other✔
When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around
A kid came up to me in the grocery store just now and loudly proclaimed, “Kale is my power vegetable! What’s your power vegetable?” I tried to come up with an answer but it was clear that I didn’t have one. They said, “It’s OK. I didn’t find my power vegetable until I was 6.”
Home buyer: I want to live close to nature!
*wildlife shows up*
Home buyer: Not like that.
Good luck to all of the parents whose kids will be eating their Easter candy and won’t be going to bed until Tuesday night.
OMG I opened the door to let the dog in and there was a slug on the door AND IT GOT ON MY HAND SO I SCREAMED LIKE A TODDLER AND THE DOG ATE IT TO PROTECT ME. And now we are both embarrassed.
I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.
Stegosaurus: We’re getting reports of a huge asteroid. A global killer. We need a volunteer deep-core driller to destroy it
T-Rex: As the world’s best deep-core driller, I will save us all
[cut to T-Rex furiously trying to pick up the detonator he dropped]
I always eat the whole pizza cause I don’t like to half love anything.
the human says there are two options. inside or outside. but if they would simply. elevate their mindset. they would uncover a third option: stand in the doorway. and sniff the air
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. My copy of the script said: ‘Enter Juliet from the rear’
My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”
How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.
I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments
I need an Amazddy. It’s like a sugar daddy, but they randomly pay for the stuff in your Amazon cart.