Car names fall into two groups: those that basically say, “I’m pissed off with traffic jams so I’m gonna blow out of here and head off by myself down a dirt road.”
…And those that say “I’m elegant, civilized, and artistic.”
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Wife’s been away since thursday, we ran out of spaghetti-o’s on friday, ate the dog yesterday, burned photo albums for heat today, pls help
pat pat
[Starts to open package of cheese]
[Hears kids running towards kitchen]
[Escapes with cheese to car]
[Drives 5 hours to hotel]
[Checks into room]
[Starts to open package of cheese]
My dog: HEEEY CHEEESE!!!
can’t argue with a guy that has curly hair 🤦♂️ whatever u say gorgeous
*remembers company is coming*
*checks all the garbage cans, switching out Walmart bags for real trash bags like some sort of rich person*
I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
Fun prank:
1. Steal your married friends phone
2. Change your name to ‘Brandi from the club’
3. Call repeatedly at 3AM and hang up
Rock Singer: I SAID, YOU READY TO HAVE A GOOD TIME? I CAN’T HEAR YOU!
Me: DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT WE DON’T HAVE MICROPHONES ON THIS SIDE?!
Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.
if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im an adult. it’s my STOMACH that hurts. because yet again. I had too many sweets without mothers permission
My wife was shocked when she found out I was a bad electrician.
My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…
Me: “Did you hit your little sister?”
3-year-old: “No, the ball did.”
Me: “Did you throw the ball?”
3: “No, my bat did.”
Me: Look, it’s malfunctioning. You’ll have to trust me on this.
Tech support: Ma’am, this is a kid.
Robber: If you ever want to see your family again do exactly as I say. Now hand me that bag!
Me: *sets bag on fire*
{During Mass}
Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?
My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆
I just weighed myself so I could then weigh the dog; so now we’re both depressed and comfort eating kibble.
wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son’s last words: Because you didn’t do them
Ladies with “finger in their mouth” avis, what’s on your finger? Cake batter? Is it cake batter? Can I have some?
interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbookinterviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?me:
that’s not what i said
Ironically, having a child makes you swear more, not less.
“i cnat believe this!” he yells as his beard of bees turns on him. “i would expect this from the others but not u” he says to 1 specific bee
Me: Hi, mom. I’m feeling tremendous guilt.
Mom: Why?
Me: Just thought I’d save you the effort.
There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.
How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.
8, peering closely at me: what’s that?
Me: my necklace
8: How do you know?
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad
me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one