“There are 2 seats. Which one do you want?”
“Right one for me.”
“And you?”
“Am I left with any choice?”
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“I love it when we finish each other.”
“You mean: other’s sentences?”
“No.”
Some people don’t know the opposites to these words:
1. Always
2. Coming
3. From
4. Take
5. Me
6. Down
A fun way to make someone self conscious, is to put a nose hair trimmer in their grocery cart while maintaing full eye contact with them.
Everything goes as planned when nothing’s planned.
“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper
I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.
A fun thing about having a sandbox outside your house is that you have one inside too.
[first day selling houses]
me: shits about to get realty
This hospital has everything
doctor: how are u
me: good
doctor: my wife left thanks for asking
Normal stickers: I peel off easy.
Stickers on things you buy: lol stop it that tickles.
sometimes when I finish eating a bag of microwave popcorn I try to eat a couple unpopped kernels just to convince myself it’s really over
[edison inventing lightbulb]
[match appears over his head]
I have an idea
my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx
Me:
Remember when we didn’t have electronics in our face all the time? Sometimes I miss that.Also me:
My pizza delivery tracking won’t load?
I AM NOT MADE FOR THIS PRIMITIVE WAY OF LIFE.
I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka
VERY difficult to convince the apple store people that you’ve only ever dropped your phone 3 times if you dropped it twice in the store.
I overheard a dad at Starbucks tell a kid not to tell Mom he got a cake pop for breakfast, so I guess I’m part of their web of lies now too.
[Me]: What’s a snowman’s favorite drink?
[Bartender]: idk
[Me]: Brrrr-bon lol
[Bartender]: …
[Me]: jk snowmen don’t drink they aren’t real
I can clear that with ease, Elsie! Frankly, your lack of confidence is insulting.
20 seconds later:
I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567
Sometimes I’m depressed and then a girl stars one of my tweets and it’s like YAAAAYYYY NEW GIRLFRIEND!!!!!
*Buys world map*
*Pins map to wall*
*Promises to visit wherever dart lands*
*Throws dart at fridge*
My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings
Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise
I touch myself when I think of you.
It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.
“Sorry kids, looks like we’ll have to find something else to do today”
This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.