Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.
“There are 2 seats. Which one do you want?”
“Right one for me.”
“Am I left with any choice?”
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They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.
– Reasons why I drink
Me: “people always think I’m gay! Do I put off a gay vibe?”
Guy whose back I’m massaging in a bubble bath: “maybe a little”
[slug spy] you’ll never take me alive *bites salt capsule*
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
Cat is hissing at nothing in the kitchen. Based on horror movies I’ve seen nothing good can come of this, but I’m a white guy so I’ll stay.
I hate when I go to Subway and they barely put any toppings on.
When I take a bite, I want it to look like I went head to head with a garden, and won.
Making a grocery list after 8 beers is awesome because the next morning I get to wonder why I need 7000 bags of pizza rolls.
How I’d get arrested…
You wanna buy some land? That’s asking for a lot.