There are 2 types of people in this world: those that can parallel park on the 1st try and those that don’t think they are better than everyone else.
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“Cole Slaw” because “Moist Cabbage” was already taken.
Since the day he was born, I always expected my kid to grow up to be smarter, funnier, and more successful than me.
I just didn’t expect him to do this by age 6.
Me: So ducks quack, owls hoot, crows caw…what do you do?
Penguin: I’m a tax attorney.
Me: Ah. That explains the briefcase.
It’s not God I dislike, He’s cool. it’s certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way.
Eggs Benedict implies the exsistence of Eggs Cumberbatch
DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”
ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”
drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”
[In Bed]
Her: You feeling spicy tonight?
Me: Imma be honest. At best I’m a Honey BBQ on the Buffalo Wild Wings chart.
Laziness is a dish best served delivered.
8- Dad, why is there oxygen on earth, but not on any other planet?
M- Are you sure you just don’t want to know where baby’s come from?
I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.
I’m sorry but I love this one 🤣🤣🤣
Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.
I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex
Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.
USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE
Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.
*Removes ‘Loves to bake’ from online dating profile
My oldest kid had a little art show this morning, and not to be out done, my youngest did a performance piece entitled: lying on the floor of the art show and refusing to get up
“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.
[mom ridiculing me in front of new GF]
“Luke was afraid to go into family changing rooms until 22 because he thought he’d get a new family”
I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.
if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle
Hey Fun Fact:
Remember that “You Wouldn’t Steal A Car” anti-piracy ad? The guy who wrote the music for that ad was never paid for their work
This Fun Fact™ brought to you by:
Stealing — It’s Okay If You’re A Corporation!
I’m not saying boys make things harder and messier than girls but I watched my son make a root beer float last night pouring the root beer in first so I’m not not saying it.
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he roared his engine louder!”
-nobody ever
“I guess I’m just feeling cynical,” grumbles Judas.
“More like SIN-ical,” mutters Jesus.
“What?”
“Nothing. Have more wine.”
My body’s check engine light has been on longer than Law and Order
power’s been out for a bit. candlelight is less sexy when you’re using it to feed your puking baby whilst eating cold soup