There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to
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Here is a wonderful thought for all those who are fighting for their mental health during the COVID19 crisis. You are not alone. We are all in this together. Reach out to one another and inspire, empower and support one another. Stay safe.
📸: @thesproutingsunflower
The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.
2020 caught us wishing we could cancel our plans so it made us smoke an entire carton of canceling our plans
I was once told that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Due to this,I’ve been observing a vow of silence since 1997.
Don’t you hate it when you go into the bathroom at a party to sneak out of the window, and their bathroom doesn’t have a window, so you have to bust through the wall like the Kool-Aid Man?
First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face
[giving commencement address at graduation]
“My fellow graduates, the best life advice I have is: if you don’t already know how many calories are in a tortilla, never look it up”
[6 month dentist visit]
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Every 6 months
Me
At 18: hoping for world peace
At 48: hoping my wife laughs at the meme I show her
Patient: I think my problem is imposter syndrome.
Me: [sweating] I assure you I’m a fully licensed psychologist. Or psychiatrist. Which is the one that prescribes meds?
Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*
Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.
My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.
Dumbledore: the mirror of erised shows your deepest desires.
Harry: *tearing up* i’m with my mom
Snape: omg same
My 6 year old came into the bathroom while I was using it to tell me she hates it when the dog comes into the bathroom when she’s using it.
[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal
Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned
jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home
Theres plenty of fish in the sea. Theres loads of trash at the dump. Theres tons of bones in a skeleton. Bugs are everywhere.
robber: alright this is a robbery
dad: no this is a bank
robber: damnit dad not now
You know you’ve ordered too much take-out when they give you three sets of plastic utensils.
“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”
– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
Cop: we found this dead cat stuffed in the the photocopier
Detective: OMG, another victim of the copy cat killer
Dracula: *transforms into a bat*
Me: OMG flappy sky puppy come here there is a blanket and I’ve got the brushybrushy for you do you want the brushybrushy
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula: *tiny voice* yes
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.
I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.
*dog walks into a pet store wearing a fake moustache*
“Hello sir or ma’am I would like to lovingly adopt your most delicious cat”
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.