@ndiquote

There are 3 types of guys in this world
? 1) Handsome
? 2) Lucky
? 3) Me

You Might Also Like

@OhNoSheTwitnt

If you watch Beauty & the Beast backwards a grown man devolves into a monster then into a petulant little boy. It’s basically Twitter.

@Leslie_Annie

Twitter is perfect for extroverted introverts. I want to be social & have lots of friends but I don’t want to leave my house. Or wear pants.

@Cyd10e

We now live in an age where we rely on technology for even mundane tasks.
Think about it.
Some of you likely need GPS to find your backyard.

@MissNaughty1801

My mother in law:did you put the weight on?
Me:no…actually I’ve lost some. You should have seen me month ago. I looked like you

@dubstep4dads

[twirling my bra above my head like a helicopter and it gets stuck on the ceiling fan, im launched thru window into neighbors yard]
me: hey

@Fred_Delicious

[Duck support group]
“After i lost Barbara I was doing bread 5, maybe 6 times a day”
*the other ducks nod sympathetically*

@itsWillyFerrell

Operator: “9-1-1 please hold…”
Me: “Ok. Hey, stop stabbing me for a second.”
Murderer: “K.”

@vikkaroni

I’ll bet Timmy would never have fallen down that well if his parents would’ve coughed up the money for a HUMAN instead of a dog babysitter.

@eff_yeah_steph

We were stuck in traffic once when I was a kid and I had to pee so badly that I cried and my mom gave me a coffee cup to pee in and I think about that day every time I pee in a coffee cup.