There are 3 types of guys in this world
● 1) Handsome
● 2) Lucky
● 3) Me
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I just filled up my gas tank and went to a movie and bought a large soda and popcorn, I spent roughly 7000 dollars.
I got my followers the old fashioned way – with tranquilizer darts.
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.
The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy
The postman told me he’s off to Spain tomorrow so I asked was he going to Parcelona and he ignored what I believe to be my best joke of 2014
“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”
My top tip is, before you get into a staring competition with any large animal (such as a boa constrictor), do double check they have eyelids.
When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.
Partner: It’s either me or the abroad scholarship. Choose
Me: I pick u…
Partner: I knew you lov…
Me: …nited airlines
One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.
My wife handed me a clean towel and asked me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
*on date*
Me [don’t let her know you’re married]
I have a wif..i hotspot on my phone.
Her: oh that’s cool.
Me: yeah my wife got it for me.
That’s *exactly* what Meghan Markle would say.
Waiter: And what would you like sir?
Me: I’d like the entire restaurant to stop gasping every time I say something.
Entire restaurant: *gasps*
“Don’t boil lobsters, because they can feel pain” say scientists from National Institute For Boiling Every Animal Alive To Work Out If They Like It Or Not
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.
Police: Because you keep killing people
My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.
MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:
Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.
ME: (falling to my death in an elevator shaft) lol shaft
Maybe I forgot to text back. Maybe it’s Maybelline.
I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.
What you call “Brunch” I call “Breakfast for Alcoholics.”
I yell at couples buying houses like normal people yell at sports on tv
DATE: Are we in Starbucks because you’ve forgotten my name?
ME: Haha of course that’s
BARISTA: Latte for Rachel
ME: not true, Rachel
DATE: That’s not mine
ME: DAMN IT
Pigeons are the dandelions of the animal kingdom: unappreciated, plentiful, and when you give a bouquet of them to ur mom she won’t like it
Welcome to parenthood. You now see every movie six years after it came out. Except for Disney movies. You see all of those immediately and on repeat.
*washing motorcycle with my shirt off
*cops show up
Cops: That guy told you to stay away from his motorcycle
Covid has me stifling a cough in public like I’m trying to hide a bite wound in a zombie movie.
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle