There are 3 types of pain… 1.) Pain. 2.) Excruciating Pain. 3.) STEPPING ON A LEGO!
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Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
*Sends carrier pigeon back*
“I have a suitor.”
Me grinning like a jackass with my luggage labelled “ wayward son” and waiting for them to ask checked bag or carry-on
toddler *begs me to take him to get ice cream*
me: Ok
[standing in line]
me: Do you know what do you want?
toddler: Chicken nuggets
ME: *hugging my therapy dog* i love you so much
THERAPY DOG: same time next week and i’ll make a note to continue our boundaries discussion
I attend online school everyday.
My kid joins in whenever he feels like it.
I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.
Me: Goodnight moon
Moon: night.
Me: What?
Moon: nothing. It’s fine.
Me: You’re acting distant
Moon: I’m 238,900 miles away
I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.
When I trip I always look back to see who or what did it because it couldn’t have possibly have been my fault.
Sometimes, when I’m doing dishes, I’ll just start flinging them towards the cabinets and get mad when it doesn’t work out like it does in cartoons.
I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
Before I drop a bag of clothes off at Goodwill, I like to take it for a ride in the back of my car for a good five or six months.
If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.
Moms be like, “Your cousin’s neighbor’s husband’s aunt died. Just thought you should know.”
The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person
I don’t wish anyone strife in their relationship but i do wish my neighbors would enunciate a little more when they fight so i can hear better.
Don’t believe everything you read on a Mayan stone carving
god: awful nice planet you got there
earth: thanks
god: it’d be a shame if someone…
earth: please don’t
god: created humanity
ME: I guess you could say I’m your stolemate now lol
MY KIDNAPPER: Get out!
Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there’s a wine sampling booth that day?
Dear women, when you’re not around we load the dishwasher properly.
My kids were complaining they couldn’t find a tv programme to watch so I told them how little choice there was when I was a kid and 5 rolled her eyes and said “things have changed in the last 100 years mummy” and went back to scrolling
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth
My computer is frozen. Unfortunately it looks like moving my mouse around in circles did absolutely nothing to fix the problem.
Cop: “We’ll catch the guy who murdered your husband.”
Tina: “My husband was murdered?!”
Cop: “Shit! Sorry… I have some bad news…”
Maybe I just didn’t state this eloquently enough where’s my hammer?