My sister made pancakes and after devouring 5 of them, she tells me
“It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist” 🙆🏾♀️🙆🏾♀️
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Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.
Me: *plays video games to avoid my problems*
Me in game: *puts off main quest to avoid my characters problems*
Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.
*wipes prints off microwave handle*
Sometimes I’ll run into a friend’s husband and think to myself, “bro you have no idea how hard I’ve worked to help save your marriage.”
Word.
~ Microsoft.
Change is always hard….
Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
GMO bananas: turn brown for what?
ME: *giggles* I wouldn’t say I have a ‘type’…
DOCTOR: Sir, you’re losing a lot of blood and we need to make this transfusion
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
Piñatas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open
I can’t stop thinking about what my sister took away from Endgame
“What’s the worst that could happen?” I ask my son, as we enter the bear enclosure in matching Winnie the Pooh costumes
Me: We’re ordering pizza.
8-year-old: This is the best day of my life!
Me: We order pizza every week.
8: I have lots of best days.
Hi, I’m a fruit fly that could live here undetected, but, no, I’m gonna fly in this lady’s face til she makes it her mission to destroy me.
Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.
[on road trip]
Me: I AM NOT turning this car around
Son: *cries*
Me: Nope. No way.[45 min later]
Me: *walks out of house holding Mr. Teddy Bear*
One of my worst typos at work… my missing O in hello. Hell there! Kind of changes the niceness of the message. There’s more unfortunately
Went braless for a quick trip to the store…ran into 3 exes, 5 celebrities, my mother-in-law, her church group, a live reporting TV news crew, and Jesus.
I’m not saying animals are better than ppl, I’m just saying you’ve never seen a puppy jack up the price of prescription medication
How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?
My toddler has discovered the word WHY. Please send help.
I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.
1. Don’t write a journal.
2. Don’t smile in your mugshot.-mental notes I take watching crime tv.
Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …
All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus
ham: accepted, non-offensive
hamn: curse, extremely forbidden
lowe’s manager: so…you want a job. what department should I assign you to?
me: hmm…how about the mirror aisle? I can see myself working there.
Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party
Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?