@moon__69__

There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.

Unbelievable.

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@markhoppus

[helpful honda people reluctantly helping me bury a body]

@Sickayduh

Hey, guy who named the mustache

Hair lip was available

@Reverend_Scott

DOG 911: What’s ur emer-

DOG: IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE

DOG 911: so?

DOG: MY HUMAN SAID SOMEONE’S COMING IN THE HOUSE THROUGH THE CHIMNEY TONIGHT

DOG 911: OMG

DOG: OMG

@MelvinofYork

My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album

@iGreenMonk

“It’s the small things that make me happy” -enthusiastic microbiologist

@hazelmotes1

My daughter doesn’t know I put the last pudding cup in her lunch earlier this evening, so she won’t know I took it out and am eating it now.

@Bob_Janke

say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets

@isabelzawtun

We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life

@naazihah

“Do me a solid” just sounds like you’re asking someone to poop for you and that’s kinda gross.

@TuSoonShakur

pharaoh: over my dead body!

pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.