There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.
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My mother was, let’s just say, not perfect. She’d routinely leave my little sister and I in the van for hours while she gambled. And even though we were patched-in to the casino security cameras and feeding her info through an earpiece, she still managed to blow hand after hand.
My alter ego is Wander Woman because my superpower is forgetting why I walk into rooms.
When the rapture happens at a midwestern nondenominational church.
describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys
Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?
Henopause
Annnd, send tweet.
Bewitched was my favorite show about a woman who had a magical power & couldn’t use it because she got married.
ME: let me try a yo-yo trick
DOCTOR: *cutting my child’s umbilical cord* no
It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises
My 19 y.o. watched a show where a romance ended badly.
In a distressed voice, she asked: “WHY can’t we just have a HAPPY ENDING?”
I involuntarily muttered under my breath: “Because we don’t have the money to pay the masseuse.”
19 y.o.: “What?”
Me: “I didn’t say anything.”
Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?
Tomorrow’s dress up day for my kids school is “throwback to the 2000’s.” Pardon me while I go grab my walker.
If I’ve learned anything from Disney, it’s this:
If you happen across a woman’s corpse, in the forest? Kiss it.
My cat said “meow”, so I answered with a “meow”, and now I’m afraid of what I may have agreed to.
If I apply for a job at the railroad,
will they expect me to already know how to do the job
or will they train me?
[restaurant]
ME: this chicken fried steak is terrible
WAITER: that’s probably because it was fried by a chicken
2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.
[Halloween]
Lady: what are you this this year?
Me: *dressed as a phone battery meter* I’m at 10% and it’s only 7pm.
Lady: *faints*
If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?
Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.
Bananas in Pajamas was so popular. I can’t figure out why my spinoff, Swiss Chards in Unitards, failed
For the low, low price of a $25 donation, you too can be totally annoyed by me for several days until you pay another $25 for me to shut up.
Son: I’m gay, dad.
Dad: no I’m gay dad
Dad #2: no I’m gay dad
*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops
Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky
I have a tattoo of a tiger shirt underneath my tiger shirt so when I take off my tiger shirt BOOM tiger shirt
Barista: I have a latte for *3 second long screeching noise*
Velociraptor: Actually it’s *4 second long screeching noise* but close enough
I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.
I’m happiest when people tell me “Don’t be a hero” because there’s absolutely no way I’m going to disappoint them.
I can’t tell if a family in a movie is happy unless the kids are waking up their parents by jumping onto their bed and yelling about pancakes