[helpful honda people reluctantly helping me bury a body]
There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
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Hey, guy who named the mustache
Hair lip was available
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE
DOG 911: so?
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID SOMEONE’S COMING IN THE HOUSE THROUGH THE CHIMNEY TONIGHT
DOG 911: OMG
My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album
“It’s the small things that make me happy” -enthusiastic microbiologist
My daughter doesn’t know I put the last pudding cup in her lunch earlier this evening, so she won’t know I took it out and am eating it now.
say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets
We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life
“Do me a solid” just sounds like you’re asking someone to poop for you and that’s kinda gross.
pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.