You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.
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Utility company website: Are you a bot?
Me: No, but if there are bots trying to pay my utility bills, mind your own business.
Inventor of fridge door ice cube dispenser: Let’s consistently surprise them with an extra ice cube that randomly shoots out after they are done filling their glass.
*Awkward missed high fives around boardroom table*
Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.
If you think Pi is 3142, then you’re missing the point.
As the king’s food taster, I essentially have one job: clutching my throat and dropping dead when the soup is poisoned.
our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk
Oh to be a woman in the 1800s, diagnosed with hysteria and getting a lobotomy
“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.
Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.
You’re not supposed to be your pet’s friend, your job is to make sure they get into a good pet college.
*accidentally summons malevolent demon at a séance*
I WILL HAUNT YOUR HOME FOREVER!
[4 days later]
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD CLEAN UP OCCASIONALLY
I’ve seen The Blair Witch Project and that’s all I need to know about camping.
Some guy tried to cut me off in traffic and I screamed, “I’m wearing a sports bra to a business meeting, I am afraid of nothing!”
[First Date]
Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.
it’s rude to tell someone they’re incorrect. A more polite response is, “Did you know you’re incorrect?”
I think I found a perfect place for Spongebob.
I like to shout, “ohh it burns!” while using a public restroom.
I read that peacocks “are obsessed with food and can become extremely aggressive when you dangle french fries in front of them”.
See you all later. I’m moving in with my new family now.
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in mathematics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: minus one
Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”
Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do
Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?
Have kids.
*buys a sectional couch made of cauliflower*
No matter how good your raspberry body wash smells, don’t be tempted to drizzle it over your ice cream. I’ve been burping bubbles for days.
Just found a pot of houmous by the side of the road
usher: bride or groom
me: just a guest
usher: no which are you here for
me: neither I’m married
Marriage only works when both partners listen. Not to each other; god that would be horrible advice.
Suit: It says here you’re “dramatic” and “nonsensical”?
Me [forward somersault, grabs resume]: Sorry that’s a typo, it should say “sandpaper pickles”.
my immune system told me it’s a lover not a fighter
i think i understand why rhinos are going extinct