There are 4 stages in life
1)You believe in Santa Claus
2)You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3)You are Santa Claus
4)You look like Santa Claus
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I can’t believe I shaved my toes for this
If u drink the blue liquid from a Magic 8-Ball u can see the future trust me my friend Keith did once & said he was gonna die & then he did
I’m my own worst enemy which is frustrating because I’d always hoped my worst enemy would have an eye patch.
[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd
Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?
Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.
I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.
Whoever designed toddlers really knew what they were doing. I left my 2yo alone for a minute and he completely trashed the room and when I walked in he just looked up at me all wide eyed with his arms out and goes, “What I dooed?”
OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??
66% of Canadians were unimpressed with “The Revenant”, or as it’s known in Canada, “Pretty Average Day”
Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?
*all the Avengers line up to face Thanos*
THANOS: who’s the purple guy
IRON MAN: that’s Hawkeye
THANOS: oh
THOR: he shoots arrows
THANOS: like magical ones?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *pauses* just regular ones
THANOS: I see
HAWKEYE: you guys know I can hear you right
I hate it when people tell me to “stay in your lane!” Granted i’m drunk at the bowling alley, but it’s still uncalled for.
reading a book about blimps and every other sentence is like “unfortunately there was a 10 mph crosswind and the blimp exploded”
It’s only the fifth day of school and my 9-year-old has already memorized the names of all 50 fourth graders who have cellphones.
If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”
“My name is Robert and I support apples.”
— Bob for apples
[First Date]
Me: So, Construction?
Him: Yeah
M: You nail stuff? With your big hammer?
H:
M: Like to screw?
H:
M: Hey! Where are you going?
[Robot Uprising]
Human: Oh no a robot! What kind are you?
Robot: I am a counting machine
Human: Oh thank g—
Robot: Now killing human #53822
a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch
Me: I would like to summon my daughter and feel her presence once more.
Psychic: Okay. We ask for the daughter to come down and —
Daughter: I’M IN MY ROOM, MOM!
SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
Dear commercial,
If my family follows your advice and gives me Fitbit or exercise gear for Mother’s Day, prepare yourself for a lawsuit.
“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing
Don’t mind me, I’m just a mom sitting in the dark eating a tub of ice cream because I spent the entire weekend doing laundry and then my kids changed clothes
Tom work hard.
Tom tired.
Tom need break.
Tom book Caribbean vacation.
Tom Cruise.
I’m not telling you how to raise your kids, Phil. I’m just saying..fire is dangerous and babies can’t juggle.
me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.
Sometimes when I’m having a particularly stressful day, I take a pregnancy test to remind myself that at least one thing in my life is still going as planned.
Stop trying to undress my panda bear onesie with your eyes.