@causticbob

There are 4 stages in life
1)You believe in Santa Claus
2)You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3)You are Santa Claus
4)You look like Santa Claus

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@HiddleDeeDee

“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.

@gonzotrucker

Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He said thanks how do you know I’m not a serial killer? I replied the chances of two serial killer’s being in the same car are astronomical.

@iMikosnyc

Why yes, person on the Internet, I would love to make $596 per day sitting at home. Let’s do this!!!

@natalie2111

Have you ever listened to someone talk for a while and started to wonder “who ties your shoelaces for you?”

@DanKCharnley

No matter what meal it is, always say you had “brunch” so people know how much better than them you are.

@FatherWithTwins

You know what this new carpet needs? For me to open a tube of blue toothpaste, and jump up and down on it.

– My 4yo. Apparently.

@Aspersioncast

In Australia what doesn’t kill you is probably just saving you for the sharks.

@CheetoBandito77

I stepped on the scale today.

Not to get my weight. I just couldn’t reach the cookies in the cupboard.

@carinahsieh

imagine a rom com so perfect they never end up together and just stay enemies with sexual tension until they both die