“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.
There are 4 stages in life
1)You believe in Santa Claus
2)You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3)You are Santa Claus
4)You look like Santa Claus
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Relationship Status: changing locks
Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He said thanks how do you know I’m not a serial killer? I replied the chances of two serial killer’s being in the same car are astronomical.
Why yes, person on the Internet, I would love to make $596 per day sitting at home. Let’s do this!!!
Have you ever listened to someone talk for a while and started to wonder “who ties your shoelaces for you?”
No matter what meal it is, always say you had “brunch” so people know how much better than them you are.
You know what this new carpet needs? For me to open a tube of blue toothpaste, and jump up and down on it.
– My 4yo. Apparently.
In Australia what doesn’t kill you is probably just saving you for the sharks.
I stepped on the scale today.
Not to get my weight. I just couldn’t reach the cookies in the cupboard.
imagine a rom com so perfect they never end up together and just stay enemies with sexual tension until they both die