” Let me be perfectly clear” – My Aquarium
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OK, I’m ready for Senior Mints now.
I yell at my kids to hurry up and then spend 10 minutes searching for a sweatshirt that I’m holding.
I told the kids we had 3 of them so we’ve got one to make money, one to marry into it, and whoever’s left gets to change my poopy diapers when I’m done looking after myself. Long story short, they’re now in a race to leave home first.
And that’s how you win at parenting.
“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
– Mark Twain
Me: “Take me to your leader!”
60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*
My friend got a peloton. Now she’s posting with words I don’t understand and people are responding with similar words and it’s like when everybody watched game of thrones and I didn’t.
Milk Cube
[confession booth]
ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes
PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this
ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share
PRIEST: you forgot pride
ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this
Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words “gruesome discovery” coming from your TV on the morning news.
When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”
Coming out of the dressing room at a store…
Me: What do think?
Husband: I like the pants but not the shirt.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But this is my own shirt that I have been wearing all day 😐
what everyone’s tl looks like now that we can retweet ourselves
my husband’s quarantine amazon cart: – fruit and vegetable seeds
– toilet paper
– educational toys for the kidsmy quarantine amazon cart:
– four (4) horse masks
– a theatrical quality replica of elsa’s dress from frozen 2
– a lifesize cardboard cutout of richard madden
Gf: Let’s role-play
Me: Ok you be a writer
Gf: But I can’t think of anything to write
Me: ooh that’s good
I thought I was a decent driver, but while I was driving my 7-year-old comforted her crying baby sister by saying, “Don’t worry. You’ll get used to it.”
Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school
Me: I missed you
Sharon: Awww, that’s sweet
Me: Don’t duck this time (throws another hammer)
Your call is important to us…unless this is Bob again, calling to say ‘I CAN believe it’s not butter.’ We’re sick of your shit, Bob.
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.
The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.
“would you still love me if i was a worm?” yes. more, in fact.
Noted.
When the executioner asks me what my final words are I’m just going to start filibustering.
[alternate universe where vegetables enforce the law]
person: *sees a robbery* I’m calling the crops
[at Home Depot]
Cashier: That’ll be $25
Me: Here’s a gift card that should have some money on it
Cashier: *scans card* That’ll be $24.84
WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.
I’d rather lose the Super Bowl than have Gatorade poured on me.
Accidentally mixed up Sudoku and Sepukku again. Long story short it’s a good thing I was already in a doctor’s waiting room
Had I been Jesus, being invited to “The Last Supper” would’ve raised a few red flags.