@amateuradam

There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, and one Superman. So, in answer to your question – probably a bird.

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@NickBossRoss

Do you ever think Mr. Whole is sick of tourism ads targeting his family?

@stephenjmolloy

Wife: “Do you want to watch Batman Forever?”
Me: “I’ll watch it for a couple of hours.”
Wife: “I hate you.”

@Fingers_of_Fury

Someone tweets “pizza,” I want pizza.
Someone tweets “donut,” I want a donut.
Someone tweets “kale,” I want pizza and a donut.

@YouWillGo2Hell

Every time you do a shot of tequila, an angel hi-fives a fairy and they agree to meet later to kick you in the head while you’re sleeping.

@UhhhJasonWebb

Took an edible and got so nervous on this flight that I started petting someone else’s service dog.

@dave_cactus

EXECUTIONER: Any last words?
ME: I’m wearing women’s panties.
EXECUTIONER: I meant from the prisoner, Dave.

@Mobute

A gritty reboot of basketball where we find out all the players’ moms were murdered by circles and that’s why they throw rocks at one.

@Jamberee13

One time I corrected a student when she spelled “through” “thru” and she responded “that’s how *I* spell it”. I could suddenly somehow see her future self putting “if you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best” in her Tinder profile

@LackOfShame

Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.

@SadieSkyNinja

Indian Twitter is a lot like regular Twitter except everyone is misquoting Gandhi instead of Marilyn Monroe.