There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, and one Superman.
So, in answer to your question – probably a bird.
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[cats] think i’ll go to another part of the house and scream at god
“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
*reads online that you should befriend your coworkers with some water cooler talk*
ME (to coworker): So, are you into water coolers?
Seeing a woman drinking, smoking, and gambling while in her wedding dress makes me realize I need to up my multi-tasking game.
[doctor hands wife urn]
Ma’am, I’m afraid your husband didn’t make it.
“Nooo!” she cries.
Oh, he’s fine. But he didn’t make this lovely urn.
I would’ve been terrible in 50 Shades because the second a guy said “I don’t do romance” I would laugh and be like NOBODY SAYS THAT BYE
High Schools: Make sure your student gets plenty of sleep
Also High Schools: Bus comes at sunrise
instead of valuable antiques, my mom passes down my childhood pastel poofy-sleeved 80’s outfits so my kids can carry on the family legacy of looking stupid
[first day as a detective]
ME: omg nothing but his skeleton is left!
OTHER DETECTIVE: this is a halloween store. the dead guy’s over there
The way this woman squealed when getting proposed to is the exact same reaction I had when I found out the restaurant serves 3lb. lobster.
Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.
I just found out Canada isn’t real
Turns out it was all mapleleaf
[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.
I just yanked a bag of Doritos away from my daughters and yelled “we’re about to eat dinner!” Then I finished the bag off by myself in the pantry.
Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.
If you refer to your air guitar using air quotes, does that mean you have a real guitar?
This kid is going places
The human personality is made of five key elements
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: Could a drunk person do this? *I just piss my pants*
Cop: WOW. Yes actually.
Me: That was supposed to be a backflip
Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.
When I’m making the bed, my dogs ride the covers like little surfers without surfboards.
If they had surfboards, that would just be ridiculous.
The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.
How bad is it, doc?
“Well, you’ll never run again”
So basically the same
I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.
doctor: do you use recreational drugs?
me: no
doctor: you don’t have to lie to me
me: yeah i know, but i like to
FORENSIC SCIENTIST: The killer is a Chimpanzee.
COP: How can you be sure?
GWEN STEFANI: *looking up from microscope* This shit is bananas.
My brain: Hahahaha… Sorry, I don’t remember your pin.
My brain, 5 minutes later: Hey, I know you already paid cash but I remember that pin now.
[farm]
SON: *crying*
ME: Look, I told you not to get attached to the animals because eventually we have to eat them
SON *running away*: I HATE YOU!!
ME: He’s taking it pretty hard… but I did warn him
WIFE: None of us thought you meant the dog