THERE ARE 7 BILLION PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. WHY WOULD YOU HAVE SEX WITH KITCHENWARE?
Oh, that’s not what pansexual means. Carry on then.
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Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!
left my hotel balcony door open a bit and a pigeon wandered in, stole some of crackers, screamed at me and then left. so yeah when i die i wanna reincarnate as a big city bird
Having the time of my life slicing vegetables super fast like I’m a chef at a Michelin star restaurant while the uneven mess I’m creating looks back at me in its judgmental misery *chef’s kiss*
[GOD INVENTING THE ELEPHANT]
Give that cow a vacuum.
Me: Knock knock.
Psychic: Ha! Good one.
Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
YOLO!
Jesus: Hold my wine!
Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?
we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi
if working for a big corporation has taught me anything, it’s that these multimillionaire business owners won’t get rich if the little people like me sit around on my phone tweeting all day
I can’t come up with a guitar pun, but I won’t fret about it.
If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.
I got my kid these awesome new bath toys so obviously she spent the whole time playing with a shampoo bottle
Gurt: Hey guys, what should we call this new dairy snack?
Keith: Yo Gurt, I have an idea.
Gurt: Dude, you’re a genius.
CULT LEADER: join our cult
ME: no thanks
CULT LEADER: we believe Air Bud was a documentary
ME: I’m listening
Me: hey what’s this weird lump?
WebMD: could be cancer.
Me: it’s a raisin stuck to my elbow…
WebMD: you have two weeks.
If there is any indication of how this day will go, I put my shirt on backwards this morning. No biggie, except the fact it’s a button down.
since you’re having surgery tomorrow, get here early and remember no eating after midnight
“because of nausea?”
no, because you’re a gremlin
I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids
If I had a bodyguard, I’m pretty sure he’d just spend most of his time sighing and saying “Don’t eat that…”
I hate the number 7 like “ohh look at me I’m all prime and lucky ohhhh”. You’re just a wonky 1, grow up already
ugh not again
Only Americans understand
*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*
[text from wife at home]
“Pick that up.”
Everybody makes fun of your big purse until you pull out a cheesecake
(using my powers as an empath) this dungeon… it has bad vibes
Chairperson: So Dave is calling this season ‘fall’ because the leaves fall off the trees. Have we a name for the next one?
Dave: Death!
Chair: Ok Dave, calm down. Anybody else? Anybody.
[first date]
HER: So do you prefer cats or dogs?
ME: *scanning the menu* I don’t even see them on here. What page are you on?
Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.
Me to Copilot: Does “d73H” mean anything to you?
Copilot: Hmm… No. Why?
Me: That nerd down there on the beach seems to think it does.