@CrockettForReal
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@Douchekevin
Girlfriend told me she wants me to pull her hair , but apparently not while she’s driving. Girls are weird.
@HenpeckedHal
We installed those slam-proof bumpers on all of our doors. My kids’ fingers are safe, but I have no way of knowing when my wife is mad at me.
@prozdkp
Mitt Romney dissing Trump is like when an anime villain from the previous arc teams up to help stop the new billion times more evil villain
@FrenulumBreve
[love making]
Her: [leans in] “do that thing you know I like.”
[i cease to exist]
Her: “yeah baby.”
@WilliamAder
My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.
@EmissaryKerry
You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.
@crushingbort
“Mr Bush, do you want my coke?”
“Yeah sure” *Bush drinks coke as kid walks away*
“Hey kid…catch”
*kid turns around to see incoming plane*
@shawnspree
Friend: How many calories does heartache burn?
Me: Depends on how many calories are in the person you are setting on fire.
@Just__J0
Do NOT look under a teenage boy’s bed, & never, EVER ask him why he & his friends are laughing.
– two things I’ve learned the hard way