@CrockettForReal

There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore

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@Laser_Cat

I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.

@TheMichaelRock

Ladies, if he leaves the stickers on his hat, that’s his way of telling you he won’t pay child support.

@Dong_Hanger

Oh you can bench 50 kilograms? I literally don’t know if that’s 100 pounds or a billion.

@AbbyHasIssues

My one-woman show, “I Will Unstick These Freaking Grocery Carts If It Kills Me” is getting rave reviews from fellow shoppers.

@VicFuture

Why its called ‘having your period’ and not ‘rolling out the red carpet ‘ I’ll never know.

@CM2BTTHD

The best defense against auto theft is not The Club. It’s 65 empty water bottles in the back seat and a rear window full of stuffed animals.

@ArfMeasures

[phone]
Me: Oh wow I love your voice
Her: Thanks!
Me: And your accent is so cool, are you from the south?
Her: Good guess!
Me: Oh yeah I love it down there, the weather, the food!
Her: Me too! It’s the best!
Me: It really is
Her: Anyway what’s your emergency
Me: I’ve been stabbed

@Skoogeth

[literally every petting zoo]

Zookeeper: wanna pet a goat?

Me: [shrugs] I guess

Zookeeper: k cool. Cuz we got, like, 90% goats here.