This is so cornknee
There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore
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It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!
I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.
Ladies, if he leaves the stickers on his hat, that’s his way of telling you he won’t pay child support.
Oh you can bench 50 kilograms? I literally don’t know if that’s 100 pounds or a billion.
My one-woman show, “I Will Unstick These Freaking Grocery Carts If It Kills Me” is getting rave reviews from fellow shoppers.
Why its called ‘having your period’ and not ‘rolling out the red carpet ‘ I’ll never know.
The best defense against auto theft is not The Club. It’s 65 empty water bottles in the back seat and a rear window full of stuffed animals.
Me: Oh wow I love your voice
Me: And your accent is so cool, are you from the south?
Her: Good guess!
Me: Oh yeah I love it down there, the weather, the food!
Her: Me too! It’s the best!
Me: It really is
Her: Anyway what’s your emergency
Me: I’ve been stabbed
[literally every petting zoo]
Zookeeper: wanna pet a goat?
Me: [shrugs] I guess
Zookeeper: k cool. Cuz we got, like, 90% goats here.