There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore

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Girlfriend told me she wants me to pull her hair , but apparently not while she’s driving. Girls are weird.


We installed those slam-proof bumpers on all of our doors. My kids’ fingers are safe, but I have no way of knowing when my wife is mad at me.


Mitt Romney dissing Trump is like when an anime villain from the previous arc teams up to help stop the new billion times more evil villain


[love making]
Her: [leans in] “do that thing you know I like.”
[i cease to exist]
Her: “yeah baby.”


My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.


You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.


“Mr Bush, do you want my coke?”
“Yeah sure” *Bush drinks coke as kid walks away*
“Hey kid…catch”
*kid turns around to see incoming plane*


Friend: How many calories does heartache burn?

Me: Depends on how many calories are in the person you are setting on fire.


Do NOT look under a teenage boy’s bed, & never, EVER ask him why he & his friends are laughing.

– two things I’ve learned the hard way