@CrockettForReal

There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore

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@Douchekevin

Girlfriend told me she wants me to pull her hair , but apparently not while she’s driving. Girls are weird.

@HenpeckedHal

We installed those slam-proof bumpers on all of our doors. My kids’ fingers are safe, but I have no way of knowing when my wife is mad at me.

@prozdkp

Mitt Romney dissing Trump is like when an anime villain from the previous arc teams up to help stop the new billion times more evil villain

@FrenulumBreve

[love making]
Her: [leans in] “do that thing you know I like.”
[i cease to exist]
Her: “yeah baby.”

@WilliamAder

My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.

@EmissaryKerry

You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.

@crushingbort

“Mr Bush, do you want my coke?”
“Yeah sure” *Bush drinks coke as kid walks away*
“Hey kid…catch”
*kid turns around to see incoming plane*

@shawnspree

Friend: How many calories does heartache burn?

Me: Depends on how many calories are in the person you are setting on fire.

@Just__J0

Do NOT look under a teenage boy’s bed, & never, EVER ask him why he & his friends are laughing.

– two things I’ve learned the hard way