There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.
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Guard dog? Service dog? Yeah, yeah…
When earth is invaded by evil aliens that look like pony tail holders, our cat will be a hero.
*locks my car while looking suspiciously at a little old white lady*
My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.
women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible
Therapist: do u communicate with your kids?
Me: my son stays in his room all day & never speaks
Therapist [looks at notes]: the 5 week old?
If I could go back in time, I’d probably stop Bruce Willis from saving us from that asteroid.
99% of the time I have zero understanding of how people are using “iykyk”. “Eating some ice cream iykyk.” Well I certainly thought I knew about ice cream. I thought *everybody* knew about ice cream
Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.
BRO LMFAO
Name a cuter carnivore than a penguin. I’ll wait.
Excluding leopards sleeping high in tree branches. Or fossa. And meerkats, obviously.
Okay so name an aquatic carnivore that’s cuter. Ha! You can’t. Except maybe otters and baby sea turtles I guess, you know what, forget it.
put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf
*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*
Wife: I thought you returned this movie three weeks ago?
Me: I wanted to watch it again.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I found it in the refrigerator.
*cop sees chalk outline on family’s driveway* “Damn, a cute bunny was murdered”
“No, the kids who live here drew that, the body’s over here”
banks: have you gone paperless yet? then go paperless! being paperless is great! oh you’ve gone paperless? THANK YOU! WE LOVE YOU! YES FOR PAPERLESS!!!!
those same banks: we need a postal letter as your proof of address document nothing else will do lol soz
The truck in front of me is hauling a fridge. Freezer just flew open and a chicken nugget hit my windshield.
Day. Made.
im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion
I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.
*shaking chip crumbs into my mouth*
May it please the Court.
This could be the Alcohol talking but….
OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!
I’d like the chicken-fried steak, please.”
Uh lemme get back to you
*runs to kitchen*
YO WE GOT ANY CHICKENS THAT KNOW HOW TO FRY A STEAK
me: i wish i could go live in the woods
my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours
Did this writing exercise where you write 300 words about a place without using any adjectives. It’s actually pretty easy if you’re not sure what an adjective is.
Jealousy is a horrible green monster.
Well, a horrible monster in a tight green dress. With big boobs. And an ass to die for.
🙁
[1st date]
HER: So do you have any hobbies?
SALT SHAKER: Nice dress! It would look great on my floor
HER: What?!
HIM: Just ventriloquism
My 5-year-old told me to take the pizza out of the oven before it burns. I told her that I know what I’m doing and please don’t tell me what to do. I forgot about the pizza and ummm… I don’t think I’ll ever recover from this.
Ideas for getting more exercise:
– Move the biscuits farther away
– Buy a heavier kettle
Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.
having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
Me: I need to see a supervisor
Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am