There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.
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Just watched a squirrel bury a nut. Most entertaining goddamn thing I’ve ever seen. Made Star Wars look like absolute hog shit
Wife: *packing a bag*
Me: Where are you going?
W: I’m leaving you for my boss
M: Don’t go—
W: It’s too late, you can’t change my mind
M: —before I’ve written him a quick ‘Thank You & Good Luck’ note
W: I despise you
People: cheer up, things could be worse
Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how
Successful parenting is all about having a schedule. Feel free to use mine:
8am: breakfast
8:30am-6pm: beg my kid to take a nap
6:30pm: dinner
7-9pm: beg my kid to go to sleep
I just thought of something. If there’s a Heaven, all the cavemen are there too
In college if I needed more time to finish a paper I’d send a word doc with just like, pages filled with weird text characters and when my professor opened it days later, I’d be like oh the file must’ve been corrupted and then send the finished paper. I must’ve done it 50 times?
“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*
Fact: If you grate a giant block of cheese on the wire mesh between you and the priest in the confessional, you’re almost immediately forgiven.
My 1 yr old only says the words “no,” “mine,” and “bye” and I tried it out and it turns out that’s actually all you need.
Ah to be a little slug on a day like today. The rain is out. No cares in the world. Time for slime.
genie: you have 3 wishes
cat: i want to go out
genie: ok
cat: and back in again
genie: done
cat: and back out again
genie: ffs
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking
Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.
I’m not saying I’ve got a girl crush on you, I’m just saying lesbiadorable together.
Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around
I find old cables in my house that I know I should throw out but then I’m like ‘nah I better keep that just incase someone comes round with a nokia n95 and needs to connect it to a fax machine’.
EVERYBODY WHO MAKES ACTION MOVIES: We should have all the actors talk really quietly so people turn the volume way up right before an explosion.
I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg
To all the 20 somethings waxing, shaving, plucking, nairing and lasering every surface of their bodies for date night, I’m here to let you know that once you’re married, your spouse will not let the fact that you could easily braid your toe stubble deter them from getting laid.
The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.
“What a nice doggie.”
“I’ll have you know it’s not a doggie but a pure bred.”
“YOU HAVE A DOG MADE OUT OF BREAD??!!!!”
{At therapists}
SIMBA: Once my dad let a monkey hold me over a cliff.
When a Star Trek baddie suffers cardiac arrest, and you have defibrillator paddles right there, what do you do? Shock a Khan. Shock a Khan.
Who called it industrial espionage and not being a thief executive?
Sensei: always expect the unexpected *pulls out picnic blanket*
Me: *instantly pulls out picnic basket*
Sensei: *hands me ninja diploma*
“Your guy is late.”
“It’s only been five minutes, chill.”
“Something doesn’t feel right.”
“Everything’s fine, Dave.”
“You sure this is the spot?”
“Yes.”
“And you know this guy is cool?”
“Yes, just relax.”
“Don’t give him the money until-”
“Until I see the kibble, yes I know.”
According to this Fitbit, the coroner should’ve been here 10 minutes ago.
Can someone please explain to me how we got to this point in Indian dramas?
Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic