There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.
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I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like “thank God it Friday!” or “Im pregnant of baby”
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
me: raises hell
Hell: put me back down!
it’s so crazy how the abbreviation for pound is lb and everyone is like yeah sure ok
Doctor: You’re gonna lose that eye.
Me: That’s HORRIBLE!
D: You need to be optimistic.
M: HOW?!?
D: Think of it as ‘your glasses half full’.
An apostrophe is just a comma
trying to move up in the world.
“Why would you want to live in the Matrix instead the richness of reality, doesn’t make any sense,” I mutter as I reach for my phone immediately after waking up.
Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”
Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”
So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”
Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.
Noah’s wife: the ark is falling apart
Noah: glue might work, I have an idea
Horse: it’s weird he brought 3 of us
When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped
*me
If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.
Establish dominance by shaking your spouse’s hand when they go in for a kiss.
i choose….tongue
Be right back guys, I just fried up some bacon and have to clean up the mess.
[8 months later]
Ok, I’m back.
[Disney Pitch Meeting]
Writer: So kids love puppies
Exec: Haha true
Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them
Exec: First off, it’s perfect
Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.
listerine whitening mouthwash is just purple shampoo for teeth
[*planning dinner*]
Me: “What sort of desserts do you like?”
Her: “Oh, any!”
Later:
Nobody ever appreciates all the work I put into perfecting my karate moves. It’s always “you can’t do crane kicks here” and “ma’am please leave the zoo immediately”.
Saw an article on Facebook that a local bank was robbed. It had one like. They should probably look at that person as the robbery suspect.
Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.
My buddy’s phone autocorrected “wife” to “wide” and now he’s living in my garage.
When it comes to eating sandwiches, I am the anticrust.
maybe my uterus is haunted, or maybe there’s an actual shark up there
[on the 7th day]
Dodo Bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
God: yeah totally harmless little dude
Dodo: *watching Adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
God: *biting into a kit-kat* sure thing buddy
SON: Dad, can you call me an uber?
ME: You’re an uber!
SON: No, with your phone
ME: Oh, sorry [types]
SON: [gets text] “You’re an uber!”
this is how life feels
I am not mature enough for this many work emails to be going back and forth about an incoming hot load