There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.
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People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…
This year’s Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I switched the laundry over yet.
Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄
I have yet to interview a ham that didn’t end in sandwiches.
*howling & snorting* I don’t know what the big deal is about skipping some medication.
When someone says you are so lazy
[pulled over]
Cop: Have you been drinking?
Me: No
Cop: *tosses me a sock* Stand on one foot and put this on
Girls be crying over a dude who reads at a 3rd grade reading level. He’s not ignoring your text, he’s sounding it out. Give him a second.
obviously, you’d be a fool not to get two
He: “Darling, may I have potato pasta for dinner, please?”
She: “Gnocchi dokey.”
#PotatoDay #RubbishJokes
HAPPY EARTH DAY!
Suck it, Neptune.
If you need motivation to workout this evening, Justin Bieber changed his Instagram name to Bizzle. Now go ahead, get out that aggression.
Like this tweet for a free small sundae at your local participating McDonald’s.
McDonald’s is participating by making sure that the ice cream machine is in pieces when you get there.
I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for cutting her left pancake before I cut her right pancake, I don’t know what I was thinking
I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.
This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes.
do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there
there should be a drug that makes you addicted to cleaning the apartment
me [sliding my therapist 20$]: so what’s my problem, doctor?
therapist [loudly]: you’re just too good at sex, unbelievably good
hot ikea salesman: ok firstly you can’t do this here, secondly what
There’s this guy at work who’s giving his wife a gym membership & a vegetable juicer for her birthday tomorrow.
His name was Tom.
I’m the most bashful person in the world, until you get me on the dance floor. Then I become the most bashful newborn giraffe in the world.
At what point in listening to your kid whine can you say, “Sorry. This relationship isn’t working out. You should start seeing other moms.”
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few cartons of eggs into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford eggs.
Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.
I’ve realized about a third of my life is spent trying to ignore the fact that I have to pee.
Me: *destroys spider web
Spider: wow
Me: *puts up fake spider web
Spider: WOW
My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.
WTF. I was looking right at her.
INSTRUCTIONS FOR HUSBANDS TOLD TO DO LAUNDRY:
1.Know when to hold em
2.Know when to fold em
3.Know when to walk away
4.Know when to run
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.