@LoveNLunchmeat

“There are a lot of dead bodies, but it’s okay because they look more like ham.”

-my daughter describing her video game

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@Shen_the_Bird

angel: so this birth thing should probably be as simple as possible

god: yeah i was thinking we start with an army of tiny genetic ghost tadpoles that live in the balls

angel: ok first question why

god: wait i’m not finished

@PrisonCookies

Hypothetically speaking if someone wanted to feed their enemies to a tiger where would I… I mean where would one acquire a vicious extra carnivorousy tiger?

@Kendragarden

If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby

@MelvinofYork

I feel like true love can be proven by whether you would stay with your partner if they suddenly started wearing a beret all the time

@behindyourback

for years you mocked us, you made fun of our over-sized purses full of goldfish crumbs, our hair ties on our wrists, our jackets just in case, but who do you need now? who has 6 half-full containers of hand-sanitizer stored in old bags around the house? that’s right. moms.

@SmartassChef

I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.

@AngryRaccoon2

Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.

@IndecisiveJones

donkey kong: i’m starting to think mom loved you more

king kong: what makes you say that

@AtticusFinch79

[on the train]

Conductor: Ticket please

Me: *hands it over*

C: Lady this is a speeding ticket

M: *sighs* That’s why I’m on the train