angel: so this birth thing should probably be as simple as possible
god: yeah i was thinking we start with an army of tiny genetic ghost tadpoles that live in the balls
angel: ok first question why
god: wait i’m not finished
“There are a lot of dead bodies, but it’s okay because they look more like ham.”
-my daughter describing her video game
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Since Twitter, I’ve learned to watch TV with my ears
Hypothetically speaking if someone wanted to feed their enemies to a tiger where would I… I mean where would one acquire a vicious extra carnivorousy tiger?
If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby
I feel like true love can be proven by whether you would stay with your partner if they suddenly started wearing a beret all the time
for years you mocked us, you made fun of our over-sized purses full of goldfish crumbs, our hair ties on our wrists, our jackets just in case, but who do you need now? who has 6 half-full containers of hand-sanitizer stored in old bags around the house? that’s right. moms.
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.
Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.
donkey kong: i’m starting to think mom loved you more
king kong: what makes you say that
[on the train]
Conductor: Ticket please
Me: *hands it over*
C: Lady this is a speeding ticket
M: *sighs* That’s why I’m on the train