“There are a lot of dead bodies, but it’s okay because they look more like ham.”
-my daughter describing her video game
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My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.
If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.
I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.
When people say they are fairly certain, I immediately picture a county fair, and imagine clowns were involved in their decision making process.
Terminator: I’LL BE BACK
Me: Ok so I’ll see you…termi-later haha
Terminator: Actually I probably won’t be back
Facebook friend: What a busy day! Aydyn had a soccer tournament and then we completely remodeled the kitchen, then we did a 20 mile bike ride and finished the day with reading 15 chapters of a book!
Me: *is impressed that I actually finished reading her post*
You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.
Your proctologist called. He found your head.
Why he land on that little girl like that☠️
My daughter is playing “you can’t find me, Mommy”… I’m playing “I’m not trying, Suckaaaa”.
Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.
People who live in Lego houses should not walk around without shoes.
when I have dinner with a vegetarian I order two steaks to use as a bun for my third steak
My 9yo son as I dropped him off at school, “time to make some money!” Apparently he’s selling his Halloween candy to the kids who aren’t allowed to have candy at home.
[picks up hitchhiker]
“Hope ur not a mass murderer. Haha”Actually I am.
“WHAT”
APRIL FOOLS!
“Whew”
I’m technically a serial killer.
Receptionist:
“That lady in the waiting room is picking her nose.”Plastic Surgeon:
“Good! That’ll save me some time. Send her right in.”
I don’t even have a calendar anymore, I just go to my guys group chat and write “Tuesdays am I right fellas” and if nobody says “you said it brother” then I know it’s not Tuesday
I’ve never met a pizza I didn’t want to get personal with.
sandra bullock is a menace oh my god 😭
I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…
It was in the non-friction section.
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.
After 35, your body ages in dog years
A guy was honking at a car ahead of him to speed up at 6AM so I followed him bc his job must be amazing if he’s that excited to get to work.
ME: *enters password*
COMPUTER: Weak and insecure
ME: No it’s not
COMPUTER: Sorry, I was talking about you. Yeah, the password’s fine
[rubs magic lamp]
GENIE: You get 3 wishes
“Anything?”
GENIE: No wishin for more wishes
“I wish for more genies”
GENIE: I don’t like you
The coins in my cup holder have bonded together and will be the problem of whomever owns my vehicle next.
I signed up for a Yahoo email address and suddenly turned 85 years old.
Nice try, theatre ad. But some of us don’t need to put our phones on silent, for we have prevented calls with our deplorable personalities.