There are a million designers working on making website buttons have better gradients and none working on the cord that changes how fast your ceiling fan is going. Literally no one knows what speed their fan is on or what will happen if they pull the cord again
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If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way
So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
“Anyway it was lovely to meet you!” – Translation: Off you go!
I bet you’re wondering why I pulled you over
Proofread twice, hang posters once
geese are just mad that we refuse to buy insurance from them
me, too, girl. me, too.
DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
Never feel like you’re too small to make a difference. After all, a tiny raisin has the ability to RUIN EVERYTHING ITS BAKED IN.
Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory?
Apparently, all that was left was da brie.
***ba dum tissssss***
Parenting through the years:
1st kid: Organic food only
2nd kid: “McDonald’s once in a while isn’t so bad.”
3rd kid: “Did he just eat dog food? I’m sure he’s fine.”
Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.
Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.
Milk prices could reach as high as $8/gallon soon & at those prices I’m giving everyone the OK to cry if you spill some.
In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.
6-year-old: Did you know an octopus has 9 brains?
Me: I did not know that.
6-year-old: That’s because you only have 1 brain.
The first thing you must do when arriving at any beach is write I AM OKAY in rocks just to let any planes passing overhead know that you don’t need rescuing.
“Alcohol is just water with feelings in it,” said the girl who failed chemistry.
OPEN YOUR EYES, PEOPLE!!
AND LET ME TOUCH YOUR EYEBALL!!!
WHETHER OR NOT I’M AN EYE DOCTOR IS **IRRELEVANT**
there should be an olympic sport for pessimism, not that i could ever win
independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas
Autocarrot sucks!
Dont skip breakfast! Eat a journalist! 😋
I don’t know who needs to hear this but you’re not a savage, you’re an idiot.
“You’re not like the other girls.”
“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”
I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.
*knocks on door*
You’re too fat.
“Wha–”
You’re way too dumb.
“Wait–who..”
Hi, I’m Roy. I sell insecurity systems. You’re too poor for one.
Orange juice, 2 coffees, some fruit, bacon, mushrooms, potato with something sausagey & then another coffee. They were serving cake too but I didn’t have any because I’m not an animal.
[orders 2,000 Big Macs thinking I’ll only have to tell my mom ‘I love her’ for them]
Cashier: that’ll be $5,364.32
Me: shit