There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.

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*gets in huge line at the donut shop*
*taps foot*
*causally hums the Jaws theme until people get out of my way*


my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming


My car is 13 years old.

I like how the ceiling fabric hangs down and makes it feel like a blanket fort.


“It’s just a shell… it’s just a shell… it’s just a shell.”

– my foot touching anything in the ocean.


5 just told me she is on the phone and it’s not ok to interrupt her work call. Then hushed me as she walked away explained to her coworker how hard it is to work with parents around.

Her “phone” is the kitchen calculator.


At jury duty they said, “You do not have to be fluent in English.” So what you’re supposed to do is just guess if the guy is innocent.


I thought I typed “twitter” in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail….


[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.


You can tell a lot about a person by what they’re willing to do during conjugal visits.