NIGHT MAN: You can check out any time you like. But you can never leave.
ME: You’re getting a terrible TripAdvisor review.
There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.
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If you’re going to give me dirty looks for being at the liquor store at 10, don’t be open.
Her: You should meditate.
Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.
*weighs self after shaving
When a guy flirts with me I start blushing uncontrollably and I hide. Then I wait for them outside their house wearing a wedding dress.
Me: hey what’s this weird lump?
WebMD: could be cancer.
Me: it’s a raisin stuck to my elbow…
WebMD: you have two weeks.
society: let’s give mothers their very own day
me: what about sharks?
society: we’ll give them a whole week
God: let’s make their hands able to become cups so they can drink
Angel: that’s pretty cool
G: but only a little bit
G: and they’re leaky as hell
A: there it is
Diet day 4
Husband: Didn’t we have a package of bologna?!
Me: (avoids eye contact)
“Use the forceps, Luke!” – Obi Gyn Kenobi