There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.
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Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,
[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad
“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly
8 yo was asked to sign a contract to agree to class rules at school. She said to the teacher, “It’s not a valid contract if I don’t have a choice.”
I’m a spitting image of Ryan Gosling. Like if Ryan Gosling were to spit and look at his reflection in it, that would be me.
the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with
It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.
Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.
Just why bro?!
*Wife busts me installing locks on man-cave door*
Wife : Great idea! That will keep the kids out!
Me : Uh… yeah. The kids.
Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.
“Oh my god Harvey, you have GOT to see this bathroom.”
The fastest land animal is a cheetah, the fastest bird is a peregrine falcon, and the fastest human is my Mom when anyone tags me in anything on Facebook
Son: Dad, I’d like you to meet my girlfriend
Me: That’s a raccoon
Son:
Me: *tearing up* I’m so proud of you
Chefs seem obsessed with removing more and more of the original structure of foods:
Salmon mousse
Basil foam
Strawberry dust
Parmesan airWhere does it end?
Venison déjà vu
A memory of broccoli
A vicious rumour about carrots
[first date]
ME: Do you want children?
HER: Yes!
ME: Me too.
HER: That’s great!
ME: [gestures to next table] How ‘bout those?
HER: What-
ME: *whispers* Where are you parked?
me *looking at burnt up nintendo cartridge*: what the hell happened?
roommate (a dragon): it was dirty…
It’s weird they report fantasy football during Sports Center. That’s like the local news telling us how your SimCity is doing.
I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call
If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.
every year i spend $1,000 on a bunch of concert tickets & i say to myself it’s ok because i don’t buy designer bags/shoes. I bet there’s someone out there walking around with a Louis Vuitton bag and Gucci shoes because they justified that they don’t go to concerts.
Smashing piñatas blindfolded but it’s just me being outside during the flying insect seasons.
[infant diary]
Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.
I’m getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, “Who does something like that?!”
[hospital]
“The results are in. I’m afraid you have Bad Priorities Disease. You have 1 month to live.”But does my hair look good?
I saw a dating profile that said “No felonies” but I am not sure if that meant her or me.
Can I have your parents’ phone number? I really need to inquire how you came to be 45 and don’t know that the “$” goes BEFORE the numbers.
Star Trek was my favorite show as a kid because I liked to fantasize about getting beamed off this planet.
It’s my favorite show now for the same reason.
You be amazed how many times I’ve been wrong when people say “guess what” ?
A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.