There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.

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NIGHT MAN: You can check out any time you like. But you can never leave.

ME: You’re getting a terrible TripAdvisor review.


If you’re going to give me dirty looks for being at the liquor store at 10, don’t be open.


Her: You should meditate.

Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.


When a guy flirts with me I start blushing uncontrollably and I hide. Then I wait for them outside their house wearing a wedding dress.


Me: hey what’s this weird lump?
WebMD: could be cancer.
Me: it’s a raisin stuck to my elbow…
WebMD: you have two weeks.


society: let’s give mothers their very own day

me: what about sharks?

society: we’ll give them a whole week


God: let’s make their hands able to become cups so they can drink

Angel: that’s pretty cool

G: but only a little bit

A: ooookaaaayy…

G: and they’re leaky as hell

A: there it is


Diet day 4

Husband: Didn’t we have a package of bologna?!

Me: (avoids eye contact)