There are days & nights where I’m surrounded by profound Darkness, followed by a realisation that I need to stop wearing shades in my house.
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me as a kid: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
me now as an adult: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
just wanna disappear into a forest but, like, with modern appliances and Wi-Fi
Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.
ME: *kisses my own forehead* good night
TEAM OF DOCTORS: *furiously scribbling notes* but how
*arriving home as my house burns down*
Firefighter: I’m sorry ma’am. Your boyfriend didn’t make it.
Me: I know. It was built in the 80’s.
I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.
Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder 🎶
Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.
I haven’t said a single truthful thing on here since I became the King of Sweden.
That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.
yesterday i was walking to an interview and on the way there, I saw a starving cat. I stopped to feed it and missed the interview. The next day I got a call asking to come in to do the interview. I was surprised but I went anyways. The interviewer came in. It was the cat.
You can’t change your past but you can change your pasta.
Sliding into her DMs like: ‘Hi’ or ‘Hey’.
-Unoriginal
-No
-Has that literally ever worked?Sliding into her DMs like: ‘It’s all gravy, baby.’
-Suave
-Well that’s new
-Implies you might have gravy. Ladies love gravy.
I tried memorizing the names of British currency but after a while, I quid trying.
Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.
Shouldn’t Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.
I like long walks away from everyone
Her: I want to travel the world in the new year
Me: I can see the whole universe in your eyes..
Her: I WANT TO TRAVEL THE WORLD OKAY.
every time i go to karaoke i tell myself ok. you are not a good singer. no need to be a hero. and then one and a half beers in im like “i am gonna do Video Games by Lana Del Rey so good i end war”
*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*
I LOVE reading the wrongly worded versions of common sayings people post on the internet. I just saw a guy comment, “Don’t look a gifted horse in the mouth.” In what way is the horse gifted? With an extra shiny coat? With impressive speed? As a piano virtuoso?
Morgan Freeman: Get busy living or get busy dying
Me: Hell yeah![After spending a week with me]
Morgan Freeman: Which….which one are you doing?
CAUTION:
Even if your wife uses dual a sim phone, save both the number under one name “WIFE”.Never save it as “Wife 1” & “Wife 2”.
Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!
Furniture Salesman: This dining table is made of solid maple and can seat up to twelve people.
Me: (Dumps two loads of laundry on top.) I’ll take it.
Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.
Johnny: Frankie said we gotta unload all these pocket watches tonight and I dunno if we can do it.
Fat Sam: [opening door to hypnotist’s convention] Don’t worry about it. I got an idea.
Can’t. I’m busy taking this buzzfeed quiz to find out what kind of potato I am.
These drawstring pajama pants practically fall down when I don’t tie them, so I guess another piece of birthday cake is in order.