@kwirkyKerri

There are directions with pictures on this underarm deodorant. Yet another disaster avoided.

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@FrogAvalanche

-Where was I conceived, dad?
Dad: Ahh *rubs back of neck* At the Bellagio in Las Vegas.
-Rly?
Dad: Wd I lie to u, Bestwestern Broomcloset?

@OBiiieeee

i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing

@IamEveryDayPpl

Boss: “Do you have a Twitter account?”

Me: “Umm… Yo no hablo inglès.”

Boss: “Tienes una cuenta de Twitter?”

Me: *fakes a seizure*

@daemonic3

Hey girl, do you like bad boys?

[drinks milk from carton]

Or REALLY bad boys?

[eats spoonful of yogurt one day after expiration date]

@delusions_of

Me: “I’d like 3 ice cubes”

Refrigerator Ice Dispenser: “Here have 19”

@scott2ten

Co-worker: Face up or face down?
Me: Um. What?
Cw: The fax machine? Documents face up or down?
Me: I’m not mature enough to answer that.

@SaxMouse

I feel like all bears are Bad News Bears. I’ve never seen a bear and was like “Oh, he looks like he has good news for us, lets stick around”

@JessObsess

Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.

@Rachelnoise

Chemistry, ok. But soulmates? You’d think if our spirits were perfectly matched, they’d be comfortable at the same thermostat setting.

@wolfpupy

if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.