-Where was I conceived, dad?
Dad: Ahh *rubs back of neck* At the Bellagio in Las Vegas.
Dad: Wd I lie to u, Bestwestern Broomcloset?
There are directions with pictures on this underarm deodorant. Yet another disaster avoided.
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i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing
Boss: “Do you have a Twitter account?”
Me: “Umm… Yo no hablo inglès.”
Boss: “Tienes una cuenta de Twitter?”
Me: *fakes a seizure*
Hey girl, do you like bad boys?
[drinks milk from carton]
Or REALLY bad boys?
[eats spoonful of yogurt one day after expiration date]
Me: “I’d like 3 ice cubes”
Refrigerator Ice Dispenser: “Here have 19”
Co-worker: Face up or face down?
Me: Um. What?
Cw: The fax machine? Documents face up or down?
Me: I’m not mature enough to answer that.
I feel like all bears are Bad News Bears. I’ve never seen a bear and was like “Oh, he looks like he has good news for us, lets stick around”
Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.
Chemistry, ok. But soulmates? You’d think if our spirits were perfectly matched, they’d be comfortable at the same thermostat setting.
if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.