oh u like me? name 5 meds i take
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What is with the people who leave the most random product reviews?!
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The sales clerk was wearing a red shirt. I don’t like red, especially when it’s cloudy outside. That’s why I gave this air fryer 1 star.
I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back
I wish it worked on everyone
Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited
PITCHER: *throws a ball*
UMPIRE: Ball four. Walk!
AUDIENCE (who are dogs): *goes apeshit*
I dug a small hole in the Earth.
I did a handstand.
Im wearing the Earth as a hat.
*alien probing me
Me: Ok a little to the left
Alien: I SAID STOP THAT
Boxing and fencing
Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences
DIRTY HARRY [points gun] Go ahead make my day
*I take him to the zoo & then the park, we have ice cream*
DH: well this has been wonderful
Pixar has made me feel affection towards rats, bugs, fish, robots, monsters and even cars. The real test would be a movie about coworkers.
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
Why are ghosts and angels depicted as semi transparent is that what happens when you die they just turn your opacity down
My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”
me: can i please have some more?
bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the people living life in peace.
ME: That’s beautiful.
CARL DOUGLAS: Okay, now imagine they were kung fu fighting.
ME: No you’re right that’s better. Carl’s is better.
5: Mommy said I’m a big boy and can’t sleep in her bed anymore
Me [sleeping on couch] she’s right son
[god, creating chickens]
Put a red beard on a fat hiccuping sparrow. Give him a matching hat, I don’t care
PRIEST: do you have the ring
ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd
What kind of losers are sitting home and tweeting on a Friday night?!?!
Oh, wait…never mind.
[philosophy class]
PROFESSOR: u must question everything
[later]
ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!
Dog: I have to go outside.
Me: Okay.
Dog: I really really need to go outside.
Me: Okay okay I’m coming.
Dog: YOU NEED TO TAKE ME OUT NOW.
Me: OMG I’m right here let’s go.
Dog: Hold on I have to stretch for ten minutes.
Save a reindeer.
Ride a Canadian.
Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 🙁
One minute you are young and carefree, the next minute you eat a cucumber after 6 PM and your digestive system is like, “absolutely not.”
Inventor of sleeve tattoos: What if shirts hurt?
Buzzfeed be like, “Tell us what Hogwarts house you think your dog belongs in and we’ll tell you what you had for breakfast.”
adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad
Podcasts are like babies, they’re too easy to create and not everyone should have one
Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?
hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected
god: [looking down at earth] let me see your binoculars for a sec
angel: [perspiring freely] promise you won’t get mad