There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t
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Postcards are just weird. It’s like, “Hey everyone, feel free to read what I wrote to my aunt until it’s delivered to her house.”
For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.
PMS: Hey, I’m not going to be coming around much anymore
ME: Yay!
PMS: Hold up
ME: What?
PMS: You’re on your way to going through the change
ME: Ahh, I’m finally going to become a butterfly
[sits backwards in chair so i look cool]
date: you’re gonna miss the movie
FDA has lowered the buying age for Plan B to 15. If you’re younger than that, you’re not responsible enough so shut up and have your baby.
Wife: But the zoo told you never to come back
Me: [loading hotdogs into shotgun] Those giraffes can’t live on salad, Eleanor
Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.
{During Mass}
Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?
The me who snips coupons needs to communicate better with the me who walks into the stores.
me: why does my back hurt
also me:
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.
Me: I can’t think of any life goals
Wife: God could you be any lazier?
Me: ooh good one
People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.
I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.
There is no “we” in pizza
Found a fly on his back by my keyboard. So dead. So sad. Put a cocktail umbrella by his head. Now he looks like he’s suntanning.
NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.
Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.
I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.
A shark can sense a drop of blood from 3 miles away, and a mom can sense you’re not getting enough to eat from 10,000.
from now on, if you email me about a deadline i missed, i am just adding you to a thread with everyone else i owe work. y’all can fight it out over who i’ve disappointed most urgently, i’ll be over here breathing into a paper bag erratically
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, we share it, right?
Me: [Using my Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
[watching The Brady Bunch before kids] Why would a stay-at-home mom need a live-in maid?
[after kids] Holy crap I need three live-in maids.
in other news: 8 hours from now, half the country will be screaming about tragedy and loss b/c some dudes didnt catch a ball enough times
If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.
Bad joke of the day:
Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
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It’s Dublin.
I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.
As my cheeseburger and fries arrived, the woman next to me told the bartender she’s absolutely starving, and then asked for a glass of champagne, 2 olives and a fork.
Cooking fresh fruit with sugar is my jam.