There are exactly 2 options for headphone cord sizes:
1. Headphone users have torsos?
2. Giraffe strangler
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I got groceries delivered from Safeway and there was a mix up where instead of hand soap and dish detergent I got a bag with 4 jars of salsa, I’m over here washing my hands with salsa and somewhere else in the city there’s a chips n’ soap party going on
Her: I want you to tie me up.
Me: Sure!
Her: Blindfold me.
Me: OK!
Her: Now, tease me a bit.
Me: Your nose is big & your teeth are crooked.
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
My 7-year-old and I had many interesting conversations this morning. Why is the sun so hot? How do space rockets work? Why it’s too early to ask this many questions.
Me: Ok kids, vacation time!!
Kids: Yay!
M: See you in a week!
*slams door*Kids: …
Yep, it’s true👇🏼😂😂😂
[At maternity ward]
Me: is this where babies are delivered
Nurse: Yes
Me: You ought to be ashamed. Babies need their livers
Scientist: we’re approaching a critical mass
Assistant: should we be wearing protection from the blast?
Mass: you look fat in that lab coat and no one likes you
Scientist: too late
Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡
Getting closure is important.
*lies on bed to zip up jeans*
Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.
You come home early and catch the cat eating with a knife and fork at the table. You stare at each other unsure of the next move.
4 in 3 people have syphilis. Look to your left. Look to your right. One of you has syphilis twice.
Things I learnt from Avatar:
– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.
Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year
“I’m going to enter you now,” I announce to an elevator to the bewilderment of everyone who is already inside. A lady clutches her purse.
God’s Wife: I just need some space!
God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)
I’m saving all my really good tweets for when I think of some.
My wife went into labor this morning and I was excited until I saw that it’s somebody’s birthday on FB that I didn’t like.
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
SCIENTIST: dont be stressed! some rocks becom diamonds under extreme pressure
ME: wat about the other rocks
SCIENTIST: oh they turn to dust
imagine if towels weren’t invented, you’d get out of the shower and just, like… wait
courtroom exchange of the day
I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.
*blasts Ride of the Valkyries as I fly over your house pooping*
“I enjoy long walks…”
-Zombies
The best thing about money is that if you give it to the right person they’ll hand you donuts.
date: I won’t be able to see you for a while. I need to focus on watching the World Cup.
me: *flops to the ground clutching my shin*
My rings were getting loose so I gained ten pounds.
*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
*Batman voice*
I said let’s go.