There are exactly two (2) kinds of names in DnD
1) Ephena Solancae Diuturna of Theviara II
2) Smork Dirtbag
You Might Also Like
If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.
My 4-year-old usually wears his hair in a ponytail, but he wants it cut this weekend. This change will make me a little sad, but I also hope it hides his 1980s movie villain personality.
Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.
I’m at the “buy bigger jeans” part of my Eat. Pray. Love. journey.
Benedict Cumberpatch’s full name is Benedictionary Cucumbercabbagepatch.
Imagine if America cut open the Statue of Liberty and found skeletons inside and it turned out the French had just failed a trojan mission.
I’m sporting Cameron Diaz’ *Something About Mary” hairdo, but tragically, the magic ingredient is Cadbury Crème egg filling.
I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.
Co-pilot: you need to let the passengers know but keep them calm
Me *presses intercom* how fun is swimming?!
Me: *sets alarm for 7am*
Brain: Sounds important! I’m going to go ahead and wake you up three hours early
My 8YO’s drawings of me have improved in detail. Although she still draws my body as a round ball, she now adds a nice touch by filling in the dark circles under my eyes.
“All you have left is your king and one knight,” sneers my grandmaster chess opponent. Suddenly a little hatch opens in my knight and thousands of tiny Greek soldiers swarm out.
Bed salesman: I know it’s a lot of money but you spend 35% of your life on it.
Me: 35%?!?… amateur
her: what do you want?
me: to pay for my sins
her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru
me: I mean to pay for my McSins
I had sex twice in 24hours and I’m so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to
Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store
uncle dave has been through hell
Me: I need to get my shit together
My shit: not today, girl, not today
Stealing pillows is not as easy as I thought…
“STOP FRISKING ME
I’M JUST FLUFFY BONED!”
Why does every dog run the moment you ask “what’s in your mouth”
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: I bet it was to compliment my excellent driving. You’re so sweet to give me positive reinforcement. Bye now. *drives off*
“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.
[ouija board]
“helo??”
YOUR… SPIRIT…
“shh its working”
WILL… APPEAR…
“omg”
AFTER… THIS… AD…
“dude why didnt u pay for this ouija board??!”
Met this chinese guy with the surname Shen. His name’s Eric. As in Eric Shen. Have him for more than 4hours, call a doctor!
[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot
If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.
I would have beaten a lot more of them up.
Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.
I told her she’s prettier than soup without her knowing how many quality soups I’ve encountered.
I hope your spoon slides into your soup
My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs