There are four main food groups:
1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried
You Might Also Like
The Slow and The Furious: me navigating a shopping cart through a grocery store filled with morons.
Sea Turtle: humans keep trying to touch me while I’m swimming.
God: it could be worse.
Sea Turtle: how?
God: tell him crab.
Crab: my legs are delicious.
God: [nods] his legs are delicious.
Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.
When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get
I was offered a free apron once, but there were strings attached
UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.
LITERALLY THE POLICE: Okay
Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?
To increase profits, commercial airlines need to bring back legroom and snacks then start painting the planes really crazy because nobody wants to miss their chance to fly in a giant meatball sub with batwings.
Why is mild cheddar even a thing? Who are these people who can’t handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market?
Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.
People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!
When a police officer seductively leans into your car window, he’s not going in for a kiss. Now I know.
Mom, I’m glad April Fools is on a wkend. Kids at school are jerks
Me:*Hiding a plate of waffles drenched in olive oil* yeah people are mean
Me: You bought 6 bottles of carpet cleaning solution?
Wife: Yes.
Me: We have hard wood floors.
Wife: I had a coupon that was expiring today!
Date: I like men with a bit of mystery.
Me: I have a pancake in my wallet.
Me: haha should I get out and push
Everyone on The Submarine: YES
7am – So tired I could weep.
12pm – I would LITERALLY kill for a nap.
4pm – Is it bedtime yet?
6pm – HOW IS IT NOT BEDTIME YET?
9pm – Perkier
11pm – Hey! Why am I not feeling tired now?
12am – WIDE AWAKE
1am – Reading ‘62 facts you never knew about Harry Potter’ on the internet.
[creating flamingos]
god: here’s your legs
flamingo: can I just have 1
god: no u have to use 2
flamingo: [narrows eyes & sucks teeth] we’ll see about that
how come in movies people can punch each other 500 times while falling off a building and get up but in real life i accidentally kicked the end of the couch and i had to lie on the floor for 30 minutes
Commercial for elbows:
A frustrated man steers his car with totally straight arms. “Why did I go with the cheap arms?!”
Narrator: “Elbows”
[interview]
Any questions?
“Why isn’t Bigfoot called Bigfeet?”
No about working here
“Oh! If he worked here would you call him Bigfeet?”
Me: *10 minutes into a workday after a long weekend*
My smartwatch: I’ve called all the ambulances
I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid
[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy
I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.
Why do we “shush” our dogs when they bark at the postman when 98% of our mail is bills?
Dogs get it.
Next time, join in.
If anyone needs to make a fake snowy winter wonderland, for a nominal fee I can come and exfoliate on your front lawn.
Me: Don’t do anything special for my birthday.
*People do special things for my birthday*
Me: Oh thank God.