Her: I haven’t had sex in so long, I miss it
Me: Well we could…
Her: Not that much.
There are going to be a lot of drunk mosquitos tonight.
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Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago
GOLDFISH: i swear i’ll have your money by tomorrow
GOLDFISH MOBSTER: what money?
GOLDFISH: who are you?
GOLDFISH MOBSTER: where’s my mon
I don’t believe in Bigfoot; because he never believed in me. I’d scan the crowd at my ballet recitals, and always see that one empty seat.
[God creating bears]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t
You totally had me at “I want you” and I was so excited, I completely missed the ” To leave me alone” part….Sorry my bad.
*decides to workout*
*lays on ground to do sit-up*
*find skittle on ground*
doctor: i’ve got good news and bad news
me: what’s the bad news?
doctor: you lost your short term memory
me: and what’s the bad news?
I wonder if flies ever think, “I bet I could get this guy to slap himself in the face.”
Because they’d be right.
I carry a knife whenever I’m running late to work because that’s what Counterstrike taught me: “You always run faster with a knife”.