There are going to be a lot of drunk mosquitos tonight.

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Her: I haven’t had sex in so long, I miss it
Me: Well we could…
Her: Not that much.


Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago


GOLDFISH: i swear i’ll have your money by tomorrow


GOLDFISH: who are you?

GOLDFISH MOBSTER: where’s my mon


I don’t believe in Bigfoot; because he never believed in me. I’d scan the crowd at my ballet recitals, and always see that one empty seat.


[God creating bears]

God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t


You totally had me at “I want you” and I was so excited, I completely missed the ” To leave me alone” part….Sorry my bad.


*decides to workout*

*lays on ground to do sit-up*

*find skittle on ground*

*eats it*

*takes nap*


doctor: i’ve got good news and bad news
me: what’s the bad news?
doctor: you lost your short term memory
me: and what’s the bad news?


I wonder if flies ever think, “I bet I could get this guy to slap himself in the face.”

Because they’d be right.


I carry a knife whenever I’m running late to work because that’s what Counterstrike taught me: “You always run faster with a knife”.