Five out of six people enjoy Russian Roulette.
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a carton of eggs that cost $6.66 call ‘em deviled eggs.
Everyone is awful in their own special way.
if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute
Me: I like to tweet the same way I dance
Friend: like a big dork?
Me: well I meant like nobody’s watching, but that works too I guess
[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.
My kids may not be the most polite or well behaved, but they’re also not the most helpful
I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.
Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.
a guy just bought my red bull for me at the gas station so i think we’re married now.
free space program idea: when you bring a spaceship back to earth land it on a huge seesaw and launch another ship off the other side
I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden
Can’t believe Flo Rida says “so many girls in here, where do I begin” and “where them girls at” in the same song. They are right in here. So many of them.
I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.
There was romance over dinner last night.
Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.
Grandma: sorry you guys were busy last night we had such a great—
Kids: we weren’t busy last—
Me: shoves grandma into car
I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.
What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.
Smart person: I just read Fahrenheit 451
Me, a jerk: in the rest of the world, it’s called Celsius 232.778
I just want to find a supplement that takes me back to my 22 year old body, skin, and hair. So magic. I’m looking for magic.
Life is stupid. You can ACCIDENTALLY make a baby but you can’t ACCIDENTALLY make a cake.
[La Brea Tarpits]
ME: *gesturing for tour members* the stegosaurus was the calzone of dinosaur times
SECURITY: sir, hang on to the life hook or you’ll sink like your Segway
“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”
I thought the noise my husband’s stomach was making was never going to end last night until I realised it was a motorbike outside
*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!
detective: could you please describe the man who assaulted you
me: [first day as a police sketch artist but i lied on my resume and can only draw popeye] uh oh
victim: well he had large forearms
me: oh thank christ
Doctor: congrats! Have you chosen a name yet?
Me: well i love Reese’s Pieces so
Doctor: Reese is a lovely name
Me: *holds baby up* meet Pieces
Today as a Random Act of Kindness, I wore a really tight sweater to work.
card machine: insert chip card into reader
me: ok
card machine: do NOT remove card
me: uhh ok i wo-
card machine: REMOVE THE CARD YOU PIECE OF SHIT