“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor

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Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.


handsome customer: [pointing] that costume please.

clerk: sexy warlock. you got it.

me: same as him.

clerk: creepy male witch, comin’ up.


*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*

What are you doing!?

W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here


Life status: stealing toilet paper from a used car dealership where I’m pretending I’m gonna buy a car just so I can steal toilet paper.


In the 17th century, villagers would burn down entire neighborhoods to combat diseases such as bubonic plague, typhus, and gluten.


my kidney: can you stop with the alcohol?

my heart: yes and also start eating better?

my brian: do whta yuo liek.

me: love you, brian.


Autocorrect just changed “what are your plans” to “plants”. Yes autocorrect, I’m curious if they’re growing roses or sunflowers?


How disturbingly inappropriate would it be if “Thomas the Tank Engine” was set in early-1940s Germany? #ThomasDieKleineLokomotive