“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor
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“You’re the Garbage Man, eh? What’s your super power?”
“I’m just here to take out the trash.”
“Whoa, we’ll get to your catch phrase later.”
Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation
just got sacked from my job at a think tank for thinking about aeroplanes
This new sauté pan and I have vastly different definitions of non stick.
football players have to wear helmets so they aren’t tempted to kiss the other players between plays
ME: *cracking open a 6-pack*
FRIEND: Is that… pudding?
I’m so dehydrated I could dry out a phone faster than a bowl of rice.
what’s the funniest celebrity name if you swap their initials? I’m torn between Wenzel Dashington and Hom Tanks
dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot
I threw the ball out into the backyard, the dog started runnin’ on the hardwood floor to give chase, lost traction and skidded sideways out the door like she was trying to block the Suez Canal.
Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise… Turns out it was just a Pitbull song on the radio.
Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?
Apparently when a couple tells you they’re pregnant with their 6th kid it’s not cool to yell “OMG DUDE GET OFF HER.”
It takes an entire village’s coffee to raise a child
I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.
Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.
before cameras, people would have to say “cheese” for two hours while they got their portrait painted
I swear, even my ex lasted longer than my phone battery does.
When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.
Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.
boss: what are u doing
me: *pretends to read email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”
(Has hundreds of bad experiences smelling things)
Him: Smell this
Me: Okay
As a mother, I knew one day I would have to deal with the issue of bullying. I just didn’t think it would happen so soon and to my fish.
when you swipe left on a guy and Bumble says “you’ve missed a potential match!” like yeah I know I did that on purpose
teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?
me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–
The dude at the airport parking lot turned on the heated steering wheel in our car we’ve owned for 2+ years and I have no idea how to turn it off. I didn’t even know we had a heated steering wheel.
“I found a stick… and it comes with a hat!” 😂💛
goldiesglobe
We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called
Me: wades through every single customer review and image before making an online purchase
Also me after receiving item: I will die before I rate this product