If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.
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me: did you even eat lunch today?
10: yea
me: what’d you have?
10: i haaaaad cheezits, ice cream and a rice crispy treat
me: your mom is gonna kill me.
got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank you know it is not
I want the confidence of my sister in-law who said “Isn’t it considerate of these people to add a purse holder?”
For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, “The funeral will be this Friday”
I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.But he hesitated.
6 yo son: Who would win a fight between a hippo and a lion?
Me: I dunno, maybe the hippo because he’s big and can stomp?
6: Wrong, the lion has a knife.
Before pulled pork, pork just used to stand on the edge of the dance-floor, nodding to the music and looking cool.
Based on her reaction I don’t think my toddler will ever forgive me for gently wiping her face.
so i told my boyfriend i was having my period and he said “Again?”
you know what, you’re right im going to cancel that monthly subscription
Day 1: This is a great chance to rediscover my love of cooking!
Day 5: *sink full of spoons, trash full of empty jars of peanut butter*
I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.
Ate.
find these 10 emoji for no good reason
A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.
me: before you hire me, you should know i take things
interviewer: like what?
me: time and care
interviewer: oh haha
me: also xanax, company money, and two-hour morning shits
[Judge] everyone is here, the new court reporter is ready, we may begin
[Me, nervously] wait did he say REPORTER? i thought it was–
[Lawyer] ladies and gentlemen of the jury…
[Me, sweating] *starts playing hot cross buns*
me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*
Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea
*lies down on couch*
*turns on TV*
*covers up with blanket*
*adjusts pillows perfectly*
[from other room: “Honey can you come here please?”]
“Sorry, boss. I can’t come in today.”
“Why not?”
[fakes a sore throat]
“I’m in jail for vehicular manslaughter.”
[first day as an architect]
boss: “these plans you designed make no sense. what does 3FF mean?”
me: “3 Fruit by the Foots long”
boss: “we dont measure things with Fruit by the Foot here!”
me: “oh, okay” *converts measurements to Bubble Tape*
screaming into balloons for an extra surprise when the kids pop them
A woman drives into a bar.
Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.
My wife often wishes she could use a remote to mute me but the joke would be on her. I’m even more annoying in closed captions.
I have obtained a hat
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even
[interview]
“Where you see yourself in 5 years?”Doing your job.
“And me?”
Jobless and upset about the divorce
“OMG” *runs out crying*
Ask a man if he’s critiquing your work…
Men Who Are Dating say: No, & compliment you.
Single Men say: Yes
Married Men: Try to hide
Satan: welcome to hell, know why you’re here?
Me: I regularly quoted mov-
Satan: YOU REGULARLY QUOTED MOVIES YOU HADN’T SEEN, SOOO OBNOXIOUS
first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him