First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!
There are no absolutes in this world. Except vodka.
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I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
when horses drive past a field of people they say “people”
When I said “it’s so big” I was referring to my disappointment
No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.
Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.
8yo: Dad, can I eat on the couch?
Me: Sure, as long as you’re carefu-
8yo: I spilled my drink
Me: Of course
Technically, everyone owns at least one skeleton, and they all sleep with it in their bed
Get rid of the “quality check” section on the Domino’s pizza tracker. I know what I’m getting myself into here.