I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.
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I always used to hate jazz but then I watched Ken Burns’ documentary on jazz which gave me a whole new appreciation for how much I also hate documentaries.
Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send
For $100 I will FaceTime you in scrubs on Thanksgiving and pretend to be your boyfriend that couldn’t make it because he had to work in the hospital
Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN.
I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.
“I think I’m like in the middle of a really powerful moon cycle or something. I accidentally texted the guy who delivered my coffee asking why he ghosted me and he actually apologized.”
TINDER DATE: When you said you looked exactly like you do in your profile pic, you weren’t lying.
ME: *kneeling outside the movie theatre, holding a fish* Nice to meet you, Rebecca.
Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.
It’s that simple.
Gym Employee: Thats not how you operate that machine, sir.
Me: *Hanging clothes all over treadmill* But this is how I use it at home.
Mom: I called you bc I was watching a TV show & thought of you!
Me: Ya? What show?
My Mom (laughing): A show about Aliens!Very funny Mom!
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a pickup artist.
Her: Pig! [leaves]
Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]
A local supermarket.
A customer asks “Do you have unsalted nuts?”
The new checkout boy freezes. He needs this job. But he may never get this chance again.
My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute
Your call is important to us, we’ll interrupt calming music every 30secs for the next 20mins to remind you that your call is important to us
If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…
A library patron stops in her tracks at the reference desk, studies me, and says: “You’ve gotten a few gray hairs!”
“Yeah, I get one every time there’s something I want to say out loud at work but hold it in instead. Oops, there’s a new one.”
Become a parent, so you can be accused of “using up all the internet” when Fortnite glitches for a millisecond.
Believe me, I looked.
But I couldn’t find a single Valentine’s card that said “You’re a nice guy, but I don’t want to go on a third date.”
Dear future self,
No, you weren’t robbed. You left your house like this.
Sincerely,
You, you dumb slob.
{On Tinder}
ADAM: *Swipes right*
EVE: *Swipes left*
GOD [clears throat and presses intercom]: Eve can i have a word with you please
To be honest, the only thing I really like about being a grownup is getting to eat a Popsicle right after I finish eating a Popsicle.
Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator
$4.99 for a box of saltines? My neighborhood grocery store thinks it’s a Whole Foods now.
Guy – “Hey are you famous?”
Me – “No.”
Guy – “Oh you look like this comedian.”
Me – “I don’t speak English.”
Guy – “Oh! Where are you from?”
Me – “The Ukraine.”
Guy – “My father is Ukrainian.”
Me – “Oh, then I’m from Spain.”
Me: Male Peacocks can’t fly because their tail is too heavy.
Beauty has its cost.Husband: I still don’t understand why your eyeliner costs 45 dollars.
Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?
Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.
my mom when anyone would walk on the carpet she just vacuumed
cow: where does milk come from?
me: *laughs*
cow: *laughs*
farmer: *laughs*
milk man: *laughs*
everyone: *laughs*
cow: but no, seriously.
Getting all my homies to like my enemies bad tweets so they’re socially conditioned to tweet worse