@CelticMoonDance

There are no absolutes in this world. Except vodka.

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@WheelTod

Julian Assange became a role model for hackers worldwide by crashing at a friend’s place indefinitely & never paying his share of any bills.

@MustardSally1

I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.

@AndrewNadeau0

{At therapists}
SIMBA: Once my dad let a monkey hold me over a cliff.

@TheAlexNevil

*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in

@elle91

Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.

@Schmoodles

I’m doing ‘Angry Yoga’ tonight.

It’s just lying on a mat and drinking a bottle of wine as I shout at my thighs.

@jackiembouvier

I don’t wish my ex-husband ill. I just hope he can’t ever find a parking spot and that his food is never quite the right temperature.

@WoodyLuvsCoffee

If these walls could talk I bet it would be gibberish cause these walls are plastered.

@MelKassel

DENTIST: let’s get started, shall we? *places drill on tray*
ME: um
D: *places giant needle on tray*
ME: uhhhhh
D: *places handgun on tray*