@CelticMoonDance

There are no absolutes in this world. Except vodka.

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@moiragallaga

First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!

@dafloydsta

I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.

@david8hughes

God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then

@filloryqueenA

When I said “it’s so big” I was referring to my disappointment

@danjan13

No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.

@Kendragarden

Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.

@FatherWithTwins

8yo: Dad, can I eat on the couch?
Me: Sure, as long as you’re carefu-
8yo: I spilled my drink
Me: Of course

@ryanqnorth

Technically, everyone owns at least one skeleton, and they all sleep with it in their bed

@boring_as_heck

Get rid of the “quality check” section on the Domino’s pizza tracker. I know what I’m getting myself into here.