There are no absolutes in this world. Except vodka.

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First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!


I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.


God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then


When I said “it’s so big” I was referring to my disappointment


No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.


Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.


8yo: Dad, can I eat on the couch?
Me: Sure, as long as you’re carefu-
8yo: I spilled my drink
Me: Of course


Technically, everyone owns at least one skeleton, and they all sleep with it in their bed


Get rid of the “quality check” section on the Domino’s pizza tracker. I know what I’m getting myself into here.