Co-Worker: You say apparently a lot.
Me: Yes, I know.
CW: It really bothers me.
M: Apparently so.
CW: You don’t care.
M: Apparently not.
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Going on vacation is so expensive, but Camp Crystal Lake has the greatest deal this weekend. So I figured, why not? What’s the worst that can happen?
interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily
me: yes
interviewer: yes what
me: yes please
*writing résumé*
Strengths? I’m great at multitasking
*explosion in kitchen*
My popcorn!
*car crashes through fence*
I forgot I was driving!
I want my house spotless but kicking my kids out seems wrong
Interview
Bishop: Do you have any job-related questions?
Vicar: No
Bishop: What about the other Bible chapters?
Whose idea was it to do this in 2020?? Archaeologists just opened a mummy tomb that’s been sealed for 2,500 years
[bar]
CUSTOMER: Barman
BARMAN: Sir?
C: This beer tastes like piss
[further down the bar]
BEAR GRYLLS: I’ll have what he’s having
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.
*grabs man in NASA coat*
No, you don’t understand! He’s a werewolf! A werewolf astronaut! LISTEN TO ME, THE MOON IS ALWAYS FULL UP THERE!
“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully
[god inventing humans]
angel: what does it do
god: creates, loves, invents…
angel: awesome
god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character
angel: wtf
god: it also makes quiche
Home Alone (1990)
A know-it-all, suburban elitist cruelly humiliates two economically anxious men, seeking to improve their lives
My mom has a rule that we do nothing on Christmas that Jesus didn’t do. Apparently, Jesus drank a pitcher of martinis & hit on the caterer..
If people on Twitter found a horses’ head in their bed at least 3/4 of them would get a selfie with it before calling the cops…..
Sometimes I wonder what people without kids do with all that free time. I bet they sit and stuff.
I found your tweet-up…
How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.
me: can we watch something besides basketball tonight
him: sure how about a movie
me: cool you pick
[halfway through Teen Wolf]
me: you tricked me
the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos
Thank god for cauliflower rice. Finally a way to chew hot water
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
Hot Girl: Hey, u single?
Me: I am.
HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
Facebook Uncles 600 years ago would just be like ‘ya but Vlad The Impaler has some really strong job numbers’
true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”
The problem is you never know which Gary is going to show up.
MANAGER: You’re hired! The pay is $200 per hour, plus benefits. The first thing you need to do is make a phone call to–
ME: I quit
*taking an x-ray of a patient* ok now a silly one
Strength training is a great form of anger management cause I can’t scream and yell when I have an injured back!
Florida be like…