There are no atheists in the passenger seat when I drive.
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Quiz host: Your topic is music
Me: Yes!!
Quiz Host: Which Imagine Dragons song starts quietly followed by the singer yelling the chorus?
Me: You’ve got to be kidding me
when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table
Son, when I was your age…I moved from New Jersey to California and met this old man that taught me karate so I could defend myself against bullies and enter the All Valley Karate Tournament.
Son: That wasn’t you
Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family
BOROMIR: One does not simply walk into Mordor.
[Later]
FRODO: *Rollerblading into Mordor* So literally—
SAM: *Doing the Charleston into Mordor* Yeah literally anything but walking will get you in.
Some Very British Problems with that tedious consequence of moving house: unpacking.
Tell people the nice things you noticed about them, you uncooked noodle
Why should you stick to drinking apple juice?
Because OJ will kill you.
The second world war should have been called world war returns
I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too
Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He’s gonna help out around the office.
*Monkey flinging office equipment out the window*
Brian hates clutter.
I’m here to make a donation.
Nun: Blessings, the orphans could use…
*Shoving my kid at her- A brother? I’d like a receipt. For my taxes.
why pay a therapist to pinpoint your flaws when people on Twitter will tell you for free
I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.
Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days
Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait…
What if giving up is overrated?
do you like my signals
I mixed them myself
Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.
Some of you won’t be ready for pumpkin spice in 2 months and it shows.
I’m exceptionally skilled at accomplishing absolutely nothing while screwing something up, therefore accomplishing less than zilch.
“bro it doesn’t work like a boomerang”
-my friend before getting knocked out by a flying croissant
Warning: objects in your rear may feel larger than they they appear.
My wife likes to tell folks our puppy was “fixed.”
But I just call a spayed a spayed.
[getting kidnapped]
me: you deserve better
*Food arrives*
*Waits 3 days*
*Slowly takes bite of food*
*Waitress appears from under the table in camouflage*
HOW IS EVERYTHING??
I’m going to leave the presents out and hide my kids in the closet until Christmas.
The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn
what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”
What I said: Please bring your laundry downstairs.
What my son heard: Please drop your laundry from the second floor down into the foyer as I stand at the front door talking to our neighbor so a dirty balled up sock can bounce off my head and into her face.
I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.