If he buys your drink, but you’re really not interested?
Smile at him, thank him and then stick the olive up your nose.
there are no buff wizards in Harry Potter, no gym in Hogwarts, no-one does a push-up at any point. I could crack Ron Weasley’s spine like a glowstick
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Stephanie, I am out to lunch. If the Sims I trapped in this bedroom finally fall in love page me IMMEDIATELY. Yes, I know they look like us.
Clark Kent: *sets glasses on kitchen table*
Lois Lane: Is that our table? I don’t recognize it.
Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.
Pro Tip: If you stand outside a restaurant wearing a red jacket, people will literally just give you their car.
*quits Twitter to spend time with family*
*remembers what family is like*
*quits family for Twitter*
If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear
If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.
You know you do too much online shopping when your kids start drawing pictures for the UPS man.
Black Mirror S05E01
January 20, 2021:
[fade in on TV set]
President-elect Kanye walks onstage, nods to V.P. Kanye, and places hand on a Bible held by Judge Kanye.
Kanye, arm around Kanye, turns off TV, tosses remote, and leans over to pet Kanye, who wags his tail.