there are no buff wizards in Harry Potter, no gym in Hogwarts, no-one does a push-up at any point. I could crack Ron Weasley’s spine like a glowstick
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A large group of Karens is called a Homeowner’s Association…
Parenthood is so crazy. We’re really out here getting bullied by the people we made.
Person I tried to rob describing me to the police:
“long hair, wearing pajamas, honestly she didn’t seem very committed to it.”
To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?
Can’t
I’m serenading the neighbors with my harmonica at 2am
My therapist said that “everyone is stupid except for me” is not a helpful mindset. Sounds like something a stupid person would say, if you ask me
Disney couldn’t handle my awesome script.
Kylo Ren was Rey’s father.
Finn was her brother.
Chewbacca was her cousin twice removed.
Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.
you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve
Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?
Deciding to work in HR is like choosing to be the dorm RA for the rest of your life
The X-Files will have 3 back to back episodes that are dead serious about elaborate conspiracies where anyone can be killed for knowing too much, and then the very next episode will be like “Scully there’s a dude I wanna check out who thinks he’s a goat”
*fingers myself with giant foam Sharknado 2 finger
“pew, pew, pew!”
-me, pointing out seating options in a church
“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”
No thanks
“Why not?”
I actually love streets
“No! Don’t go into the church! Nooo!”
“Honey, what movie are you watching?”
“Our wedding video.”
Good Cop: You’re going away for a long time, buddy.
NFL Cop: Don’t listen to him. Two games, tops.
Everyone hates math until their paycheck looks funny… then all of a sudden you know trigonometry
girlfriend: [seductively] is there anything new you’d like to try in bed
me: maybe spaghetti but I’d probably make a mess
If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.
Drank too much Red Bull and puked in some bushes, now three of them are breakdancing and one is taking me hang gliding next weekend.
My 3yo (who is extremely clean for a toddler) keeps crying at mealtimes because “I don’t like watching the baby eat, she’s so messy” and honestly, same
I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.
My annual evaluation was today at work.
I’ll be riding this “exceeds expectations” high for weeks.
FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔
—What are we?
—Women!
—What do we want?
— We don’t know!
—When do we want it?
— Now!
Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*
ME: ur more likely to get hit by lightning than eaten by a shark
SHARK: [biting my torso] today’s your lucky day
ME: *gets hit by lightning*
I’m no legal expert, but I’m pretty sure people who walk up and stand suuuuper close to you in line are actually supposed to go to jail instead