Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@LinajkReturns

If he buys your drink, but you’re really not interested?

Smile at him, thank him and then stick the olive up your nose.

@vladchoc

Stephanie, I am out to lunch. If the Sims I trapped in this bedroom finally fall in love page me IMMEDIATELY. Yes, I know they look like us.

@stevevsninjas

Clark Kent: *sets glasses on kitchen table*
Lois Lane: Is that our table? I don’t recognize it.

@FlyoverJoel

Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.

@chrisdowning

Pro Tip: If you stand outside a restaurant wearing a red jacket, people will literally just give you their car.

@XplodingUnicorn

*quits Twitter to spend time with family*

*remembers what family is like*

*quits family for Twitter*

@Cpin42

If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear

@aveuaskew

If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.

@GloriaFallon123

You know you do too much online shopping when your kids start drawing pictures for the UPS man.

@UncleDuke1969

Black Mirror S05E01

January 20, 2021:

[fade in on TV set]

President-elect Kanye walks onstage, nods to V.P. Kanye, and places hand on a Bible held by Judge Kanye.

[cut to]

Kanye, arm around Kanye, turns off TV, tosses remote, and leans over to pet Kanye, who wags his tail.