@tomwalkerisgood

there are no buff wizards in Harry Potter, no gym in Hogwarts, no-one does a push-up at any point. I could crack Ron Weasley’s spine like a glowstick

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@msred1973

My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.

@minkpinkustink

bananaphobia: when you don’t have any nagging fears but your therapist puts you on the spot so you pick whatever you had for breakfast

@actioncookbook

SPOUSE: I have to work late Thursday
OUTER MONOLOGUE: I am going to miss you
INNER MONOLOGUE: I am going to eat something very stupid

@eddiesteadyno

Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.

@ohJuliatweets

I like Triscuits because sometimes you just want to eat a wicker basket.

@1_swarthy_dude

83% of white folks stressing about their court dates are referring to tennis.

@CurlsOnGirls

I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.

@kelkulus

The best way to meet new women is outside a sex change clinic.