there are no buff wizards in Harry Potter, no gym in Hogwarts, no-one does a push-up at any point. I could crack Ron Weasley’s spine like a glowstick

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My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.


bananaphobia: when you don’t have any nagging fears but your therapist puts you on the spot so you pick whatever you had for breakfast


SPOUSE: I have to work late Thursday
OUTER MONOLOGUE: I am going to miss you
INNER MONOLOGUE: I am going to eat something very stupid


Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.


I like Triscuits because sometimes you just want to eat a wicker basket.


83% of white folks stressing about their court dates are referring to tennis.


I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.


The best way to meet new women is outside a sex change clinic.