There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.
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Facebook: your old HS friend just sent you a friend request
me: cool!
Facebook: she’s racist now
me: uhh
Facebook: everyone on here is
One of the best ways to explain my dad is that I went to an Orioles game with a friend when I was, like, ten and randomly ran into my dad in line for food and he was like “oh hey you gotta try these hot dogs” and never asked how I got there
[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine
Crazy sister put: “I had a child very young so I had to mature quickly” on her resume once. Put her email address as MONKEYTUSHIES87 too.
How to Be a Librarian:
1. studySHHHHH
2. but iSHHHHH
3. eSHHHHHH
4.SHHHHH
SHHHHH
Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.
Why’d they call it an “aquarium” instead of a “Here fish-see fish-see”
Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like
i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows
Obama’s gonna take all your decorative soaps.
Everybody want to be a gangsta till it’s time to go to jail.
Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!
How enormous was the spider I just found in my bathtub? It put down its Kindle, grabbed a nearby towel, and muttered, “Does nobody in this house knock?”
Friend: Here, eat this molten ball of sugar that will definitely burn your mouth
Me: No way
Friend: what if I sandwich it between graham crackers and put a small peice of Chocolate inside?
Me: Yes, that sounds delightful
Today I saw a house that has a little replica of itself on the outside for some reason but THE LITTLE REPLICA ALSO HAS A LITTLE REPLICA WHAT IS THIS
i dont like how monkeys have taken ownership of the whole banana thing. i bet i like bananas almost as much as they do
Mhm.
3yo: Daddy, I lost the recorder behind the couch
Me: Oh… that’s too bad
10yo: we can just move the couch…
Me: no we can’t!
10yo: yes we can…
Me: the couch is bolted down!
10yo: it’s not…
Me: you don’t know that!
10yo:(starts moving couch) yes I do
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM
Cleaning out the clutter in my house / garage, so if anyone is in need of a spouse that snores and kids that don’t listen, they’ll be out front.
if dolly were in the holy bible she’d be in charge of parton the red seas.
When you think about it, ‘I’ll pray for you’ is essentially saying ‘I’ll talk to myself about your problem’. Good luck!
u know that video of lions hugging that man after seeing him for the first time in several years. that’s what the raccoons do whenever i visit the dumpster behind my college dorm
[trying to avoid awkward silence on first date]
you ever see a horse throw up?
“no”
*smiles and turns phone sideways so video gets bigger*
I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?
I really relate to the people in commercials who “didn’t know that.”
As it turns out, if you’re with a group of people, it’s “Christmas caroling.” If you do it alone it’s “creating a public nuisance.”
Girlfriend: *twirls hair* so tell me what you like about me the most
Me: probably your willingness to date me
I had a friend who doesn’t care for sports sit & watch a basketball game & hes quiet for a bit & just barks out: “Yeah I dont think there are that many squeaks. They gotta be pumping em in”
That was over 10 yrs ago I havent watched a single game since without thinking of it
Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.