There are no sleep rules anymore. If you’re sleepy, you just sleep. It doesn’t matter if it’s an appropriate nap time or not. It doesn’t matter if you sleep 2 or 6 hours. Literally no one is policing this.
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Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.
*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the last twelve digits of pi.
im not paying that much money for ppl to watch me kiss someone im sorry u must be out of ur mind. $15 take it or leave it
i have a playlist titled russian roulette which is composed of under pressure by queen like 10 times and ice ice baby by vanilla ice once
Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (2014)
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.
You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.
Stop buying plastic skeletons for Halloween. It’s terrible for the environment. Locally sourced, all natural skeletons are much more environmentally friendly.
The bar sign said
“WiFi password since1938”
And I was like wow that’s been your password for a long time
Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.
CDC Recommends Also Wearing Face Mask On Back Of Head In Case Coronavirus Attacks From Rear
boss: u should’ve been here at 9
me: why what happened at 9
DISNEY: A princess is strong!
ILLUMINATION: Minions are silly.
PIXAR: The meaning of life is not actually one answer, but the totality of an individual’s lived experiences, rarely appreciated without the wisdom of hindsight.
There needs to be a Yelp for coworkers:
Gary in Accounting – 3.2/5 Stars “He can’t read emails for shit, but he’ll occasionally bring in donuts for everyone”
When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”
My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run
Then:
Me: I want McDonald’sMom: Do you have McDonald’s money?
Now:
Mom: I want grandkidsMe: Do you have grandkids money??
There goes my Valentine’s Day plans..
One time I hung out with a dudes friend so my hot friend could flirt with the dude and long story short I made him cry after he said that he got “stuck with me”.
My 4 year old nephew once stopped in the middle of soccer game to yell out to his mom that he smelled BBQ.
We are clearly related.
I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.
The average person eats 8 spiders a year
*eating 2nd bowl of spiders*
“WHO’S AVERAGE NOW DAD?”
BOSS: I’m firing you.
ME: Thank heavens!
BOSS: Why else would I call you here?
ME: Thought I was losing my job *puts on helmet*
BOSS: Lol. No. *helps me into cannon* Who else would do this?
I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters
I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.
-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.
Me: can you make sure this diamond ring is in the bottom of her drink? I want it to be a really special moment
McDonald’s employee: ok