There are only 2 Canadian things I don’t like:
1) Celine Dion
2) Canadian geese

Guess which one is chasing me everytime I go outside.

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Psychiatrist – If you’re stuck in an elevator who would you want to be stuck in there with?
Me – An elevator repairman.


4: Let’s go to back Target, we can get the Pokémon stuff

Me: But you don’t have any more money

4: That’s okay, we can use your money


Me: And what do you do if I tell you I’m having a heart attack?

Siri: I clear your browser history.

Me: That’s right darling.


Reading about Selena Gomez getting a kidney from her best friend and thinking about my friend who said he didn’t like to loan out his DVDs.


The Karate Kid would be a shorter movie if Daniel had just bought a gun.


A tiny woman at work just sneezed and it sounded like a Chipmunk being shot out of a cannon.


Let’s join our hands together and pray for my husband who very tragically compared me to my mother.


You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.

But it was nice of you.