@leadnotfolow

There are only 2 Canadian things I don’t like:
1) Celine Dion
2) Canadian geese

Guess which one is chasing me everytime I go outside.

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@Social_Mime

Psychiatrist – If you’re stuck in an elevator who would you want to be stuck in there with?
Me – An elevator repairman.

@awkwardenabled

4: Let’s go to back Target, we can get the Pokémon stuff

Me: But you don’t have any more money

4: That’s okay, we can use your money

@Terdoh

Me: And what do you do if I tell you I’m having a heart attack?

Siri: I clear your browser history.

Me: That’s right darling.

@thenatewolf

Reading about Selena Gomez getting a kidney from her best friend and thinking about my friend who said he didn’t like to loan out his DVDs.

@TravLeBlanc

The Karate Kid would be a shorter movie if Daniel had just bought a gun.

@DangerouslyJoe9

A tiny woman at work just sneezed and it sounded like a Chipmunk being shot out of a cannon.

@mommajessiec

Let’s join our hands together and pray for my husband who very tragically compared me to my mother.

@Grabnpuss

You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.

But it was nice of you.