there are only 2 generations:
-America’s Funniest Home Videos
-Tik Toks
You Might Also Like
I would like to see “artificial intelligence” assemble this tuna melt.
It’s not a “junk drawer,” it’s a free-spirited drawer without expectations or limits.
It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it
I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.
5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.
Me: i have a tummy ache so i been on the BRAT diet.
You: Bananas, rice, applesauce & toast?
Me *eating a bowl of bologna, rum, anchovies & tiramisu*: oh god dammit
Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.
Donald Trump says he’ll open up secret 9/11 files. Miley Cyrus says she’ll flee the country if Trump is elected. Connect the dots, people.
Christmas in 3 weeks and everyone’s gifts still in my thoughts and prayers
[on a movie date]
me: wanna kiss
date: no thanks
me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u
Shot my first turkey today. . scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section…
*asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn’t find the ice cream she wanted*
old folks get really mad when you’ve never seen their favorite movies like sorry gramps i dont get the hype for topped gun or casa de blanca
My favorite bible character is the woman who wanted the baby and then when Solomon said he would cut the baby in half was like “hell yeah, gimme those legs”
But that’s none of my business
Me: “Guys, we are leaving in 5 minutes.”
7yo: “Do I need to wear shoes?”
Me: “Yes.”
[4 minutes later]
7yo: “What about pants?”
#math
Me: *gesturing at the kids* We should start thinking about protection
Wife: They’re too young to be talking about birth control
M: I was thinking more along the lines of an exorcism
Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos
What would Jesus do? Today, take Mary out to Olive Garden.
Me at home: I want peace on earth and good will to men.
Me while grocery shopping: If one more idiot blocks the aisle, I’m going to run them over with my cart like grandma getting run over by a reindeer.
Cucumbers Anonymous
Kids are supposed to dress like their future career at my daughter’s school today and my husband told her to wear a nice shirt with pajama pants and say she was a remote worker on a video call.
I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing
The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is following me around filming a documentary about a raccoon out of its natural habitat
Geologically speaking San Francisco is such bullshit. “I’m gonna make you go up three hills and down two hills to get anywhere!” Grow up.
[revenge plan]
*invent miniaturisation machine.
*shrink to tiny size.
*crawl all over sleeping spider’s face.
At camp today, there were animals for show and tell. When I picked-up, the counselors announced in front of my kids that they did so well holding them that we should get some and I just want to know what I did to make the counselors hate me