Anytime my 6 yr old daughter replies with ‘What?’, there’s always that split second where I fight my urge to start quoting Pulp Fiction.
There are only 2 things Donald Trump fears: 1) The world discovers he’s been lying about being a billionaire, and 2) a strong wind.
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“I’m sorry. I haven’t had sex for a very long time.” — and other things I say during the meeting to excuse my bad behavior.
Ladies, don’t date him just because his dad has a yacht.
Date the dad.
[Before people were invented]
THE EARTH: This is nice
Wife:Have you seen the bag of dog treats?
Me:*flashback of drunk me eating what I thought was a bag of beef jerky..
W: Really? Idiot.
Gonna buy an old beat up car for the sole purpose of rear ending the hell outta people I let over and don’t get the thank you wave.
Going down on a woman is the best.
The way her thighs cover your ears so you can finally get some quiet time…
Came back from the doctor and told my wife that I was perfectly healthy and I could’ve sworn she mouthed the word “crap”.
My cab driver just described Seattle as “Not that horrible of a place.” Get that guy a job on the tourism board.
Guys are probably not very good at Yoga, mainly because every move for them would be called ” The uncomfortable Sausage”