There are only 2 things Donald Trump fears: 1) The world discovers he’s been lying about being a billionaire, and 2) a strong wind.
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[driving]
ME: omg i need to go to the bathroom really badly
WIFE: ok we’re almost home
ME [panicking]: no, pull over to that mcdonalds!
[i run in]
ME: gimme two big macs fast, i gotta get home to pee
He leans in, looks into my eyes, and lowers the lights. I go in for the kiss.
And now I’m being escorted out of the opticians.
JUDGE: put ur hand on this book and promise not to lie
PERSON WHO IS IN COURT LITERALY FOR LYING ABOUT THINGS: uh…… ok
Me: You are not going to believe this…
Priest: Your confessions will always be belived, my child
Me: There is no toilet paper over here.
Even if you are fully vaccinated, you should not lick the escalator rails…
Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.
Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!
Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”
Wind: “No you’re not.”
Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”
DEATH: You’re grounded! Get back here!
DEATH’S DAUGHTER: Whatever. *gets on motorcycle, zooms across tightrope*
DEATH: HOW DARE YOU DEFY ME!
Her: So, do you prefer showers to baths?
Me: I follow my heart…
my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!
her: i’m going to a concert
me: to see who
her: Bad English
me: sorry, to see whom
* flirting with disaster
disaster: Gross
I don’t know why people complain about growing out short hair. It’s a passive process. You just let it happen, and don’t look in the mirror for 10-12 months. Easy peasy.
put my earbuds in so i wouldn’t have to talk with the man next to me on the plane and he asked if he could “borrow one so we could listen together”
the corner of the glass coffee table stalks its prey, ready to attack the shin of any unlucky soul that sleepily stumbles in striking range
HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me
A game married people play.
I wanna show you the world but your mom wants you back at 10 😭
“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.
8YR OLD: dad, can we get pizza for dinner tonight?
ME: aw sweetie, I’m sorry…I had pizza for lunch
8: you think I give a damn what you had for lunch?
Hate it when I’m fighting a guy and we create a cloud of dust and then he casually steps out and it’s just me in there.
Going to find a way to reprogram my Alexa so everytime my kids ask it a question it responds with “I don’t know go ask your mother”
toddler: Close your eyes and open your mouth
me [about to get hit with a bat]
The weird similarities between gold nuggets and chicken nuggets
– come from a pan
– golden color
– get stuck in my throat when I swallow them whole
Friend: compliment her eyelashes, girls like that
[later]
Me: you have nice eyeball hair
Wife: do not eat a bunch of deviled eggs. We got a 3 hour car ride home.
Me: eh it’ll be fine by then they don’t really bother me.
My guts 2 hrs into said car ride: you’re not gonna believe this…
imagine you’re in the afterlife – FINALLY getting a chance to chill out a bit – when your selfish friends and family try making you talk to them through a ouija board, like omg go away I JUST sat down