There are only 2 things Donald Trump fears: 1) The world discovers he’s been lying about being a billionaire, and 2) a strong wind.

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Me: I’m tired

My brain: turn on the tv

Me: but I need sleep

My brain: go pay some bills

Me: I’m so exhausted

My brain: oRgAnIzE yOuR sPiCes


You know who else doesn’t leave another man’s girlfriend alone?



[An alternate reality where Smurfs live among us and I see Smurfette at the bar and she’s looking real good]

Me: Hey I think you’re really bluetiful


Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats


Now 91 is waving his diaper over his head while 86 is running down the street naked with 79’s pants. Working in the old folks home is hard.


date: “i think you watch too much Homeland”
me: [in the next booth facing the other way] “keep your voice down”


I’m rubber, you’re glue. He’s scissors, she’s a toner cartridge, those fellas are paperclips. Welcome to the supply closet pal.


People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.