There are only 2 things Donald Trump fears: 1) The world discovers he’s been lying about being a billionaire, and 2) a strong wind.
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Everything that is wrong with America, in one image.
*Condom Co*
[ok, don’t let them know ur a frog]
“Any ideas how we can make our condoms more pleasurable for her?”
ME: Ribbit
“Genius”
Conan: The US is on pace 2 b the world’s largest producer of oil. So if history has taught us anything, the US will soon be invading the US.
Stop, drop, and roll but for flame wars:
Stop – and think about it, you don’t even know this angry person.
Drop – your ego, and just go with it. You think I’m trash? Neat. Thanks.
Roll – away from any further discussion by muting or blocking
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing
Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night
[creation]
GOD: You guys are bees
BEE: Are we important?
GOD: Mankind would collapse without you
BEE: Can we fly?
GOD: No, it’s physically impossible cause you’re all too fat lol
BEE: …
GOD: Ok fine I’ll figure it out
Love when horror trailers are like “straight from your nightmares” when your nightmares are usually like a buffalo chasing you through a mall but it’s also your mom
me: how should i tell my kids they’re adopted?
kid: not like this
*waking up to dog kisses*
Good morning…such a good boy…yes I love you too…you raided the garbage again didn’t you…
You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.
If you stare at your face in the back of a spoon you look a lot like someone who doesn’t know how to use cutlery
I’ve eaten about half a case of Skinny Pop this morning. How long does it take to start working?
I opened my front door and saw a coyote in the yard and said “Oh, sorry” and closed the door like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
[At a 5 star restaurant]
*gestures at entire menu*
Are any of these words fancy speak for chicken fingers and fries?
COP: do you know how fast you were going
ME: no do you
COP: yes
ME: *twirls hair* what else do u know about me
[calls work] I’m sorry I can’t come into work today
“is everything alright?”
[getting owned in an argument on YouTube] no
Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.
I saved my Q tip so I could ask my husband if my earwax looked normal when he woke up. This is marriage.
at the salon thinking of going darker for winter
maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl
*goes out*
*realises why I stay in.*
I’m no therapist but I’d suggest that the fact that you’ve whined about your ex here every day for a year may be why he left you.
If this whole twitter thing doesn’t work out, we can all get jobs writing for a company that makes mildly disturbing fortune cookies.
At Starbucks:
It’s Bryan with a “y”
(3 minutes later)
“Venti Iced Vanilla Latte for Briany!”
People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.
Monopoly banker (inspecting check): Um, I’m gonna have to call the manager.
Giant metal shoe: I’ve been doing business here FOR 20 YEARS.
I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.