@TheHyyyype

there are only 4 good weeks in the year: 2 weeks in spring when it starts getting nice out but there aren’t any wasps yet, and 2 weeks in fall when it’s still nice out and there are no longer any wasps. the rest of the year is either freezing or wasps

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@decentbirthday

cop: the perp was found with red paint on his fingers, so i guess you could say he was caught.. *looks at camera* why is there a camera here

@Jake_Vig

ALIEN: You Earthlings have many technological advances. How do you predict the weather?

ME: We pull a rodent out of a box.

@SeaGlassSiren

my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted

@dafloydsta

Why my coworker hates me:

He sends meeting invite for 2pm.

I propose new time of 2:03.

He revises, sends update.

I decline meeting.

@me_all_over

Roses are red, so is my wine.
Refill my glass and I’ll be just fine.

@Jenny4ashley

My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.

@tyrannees

This box of animal crackers has a warning, “Do not eat if seal is broken”. I open them up and sure enough….

@pilau

“Lol dead” is not acceptable for a eulogy, I know this now

@ShutUpThatsWho

[clown cleaning shower]

MRS CLOWN: Don’t forget to remove the hair from the drain.

[clown just keeps pulling long multi-coloured hair out]