It’s like my cat doesn’t realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.
You Might Also Like
SPOUSE: Why is there a cow in the front yard?
ME: Remember how I really wanted a riding lawnmower, but we couldn’t afford one?
SPOUSE: Yeah.
ME: Well, for entirely unrelated reasons I stole a cow.
I’ve had a lot of frank conversations with my daughters about the perils of growing up, drugs and boys and strangers and whatnot, but the one lesson I hope that sticks above all others is how they must be very, very careful about what they do to their eyebrows.
amazon trucks should play a lil song so we know they’re coming
I live in the U.S. so my doctor is booked until April 2023 but five local morticians are available to see me today.
My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.
The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”
So I took his Visa
I’ve been watching HGTV with my wife for the past two hours, and just once – just ONCE – I would like to see a couple looking for a home who hates entertaining.
I don’t know, but there is something strange in this decoration!😂
Flipped over my therapist’s writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with “shut up” written in every blank.
And now a moment of silence for all the things I could’ve accomplished in 2019 if I had a brain that worked
Daughter: Daddy, can I have breakfast?
Me: *puts up hand* Talk to the hand.
Daughter: *into my hand like she’s ordering at a drive thru* I’d like some pancakes.
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
Merlot; what Princess Ariel drinks when she’s depressed.
#lunchpun
First person to see an eclipse: SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII…oh okay
I’m confident that I could drink sea water if I had to. Like if I needed to, my body would just handle it. I’m not saying scientists are wrong but they don’t know me.
Some people are scared of spiders and some people are scared of clowns but EVERYONE should be afraid of spiders dressed as clowns.
The hardest part of your divorce will be finding a recent attractive photo of yourself to upload to dating sites.
Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?
when you kill a mosquito someone else’s blood is probably on your hands.
imagine a world where there’s like 30 other guys who look exactly like you and you all go everywhere together and you’re all constantly screaming. that’s what being a crow is like. hard not to be jealous of that lifestyle…
“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts
Siri, when does the restraining order expire?
Insurance company: We need you to fax us the paperwork.
Me: Sure. Let me jump in my DeLorean and drive back to 1987.
Circling toys in the Christmas catalog as a kid for your parents is the same as sending links to your spouse as an adult.
mob boss: rip his fingernails off
henchman: they’re bitten really short
mob boss: then do his toenails!
henchman: [removing my socks] you’re not gonna believe this
There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.
*Tinkerbell sprinkling pixie dust*
Remember Peter, give me a call if it last longer than 4 hours.
Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.
My niece asked me to unlock my phone so she could watch cartoon on my phone, I didn’t answer her, next thing she took my phone out of the room and I was looking for her. Just guess where I found this babe? In front of our family portrait, trying to unlock my phone with my picture
I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.