there are only 4 good weeks in the year: 2 weeks in spring when it starts getting nice out but there aren’t any wasps yet, and 2 weeks in fall when it’s still nice out and there are no longer any wasps. the rest of the year is either freezing or wasps

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cop: the perp was found with red paint on his fingers, so i guess you could say he was caught.. *looks at camera* why is there a camera here


ALIEN: You Earthlings have many technological advances. How do you predict the weather?

ME: We pull a rodent out of a box.


my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted


Why my coworker hates me:

He sends meeting invite for 2pm.

I propose new time of 2:03.

He revises, sends update.

I decline meeting.


Roses are red, so is my wine.
Refill my glass and I’ll be just fine.


My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.


This box of animal crackers has a warning, “Do not eat if seal is broken”. I open them up and sure enough….


“Lol dead” is not acceptable for a eulogy, I know this now


[clown cleaning shower]

MRS CLOWN: Don’t forget to remove the hair from the drain.

[clown just keeps pulling long multi-coloured hair out]